Happy birthday

My Evangeline Ailey

Today is your birthday. All of the emotions from this last week was leading up to this day. I was thinking last night how strange emotions can be. No matter how hard I try to contain them, and be at peace, they get away from me at times. I don't know why I try to contain them. Maybe because I don't want to negatively affect those around me. But the truth is I need to let them out, so I did. I have joy because I know you are with God and at the same time I have sadness because you are not with me. How can I not be emotional? Those are two strong and different emotions that I have. I prayed about it knowing that God hears me and understands. This incredible experience has led to an increase in my understanding of him. I know what it is like to love without expectation. I know what it is like to surrender the person you swore to protect. And I know what longing to be reunited is.

The night I said goodbye I asked God for his help. I also asked for him to help me get to know my savior more. I read in the bible that the Lord longs to be reunited with us. We are a part of him and he anxiously waits for the day we can be together. Because of you I know exactly how he feels. You are a part of me. I thought that by reading the bible and studying all that I could I would get to know him more. I now realize that he is using my life experience to show me who he is. You are such a big part in that. On the day you passed not only were you united with the Lord, so was I. We both received a gift that day. Now I have to focus on his purpose for my life. For someone like me the concept of focusing on oneself can be very hard. But thanks to the guidance I receive I know that I can do it. I am not sure where my life is going and that is ok. What I do know is that God is completely involved and knowing that gives me strength and motivation.

After I let out my emotions and prayed I came to a conclusion. Your purpose was straight to the point and you accomplished it. Now it is my turn to take my life in the direction God leads me. This is the last letter that I will write you. All that I needed to say has been said and this past year has healed me. I do not wish to stay in sorrow because I want to rejoice in our salvation. I want to rejoice in the love I have come to know. I have accepted your purpose and that you are no longer here. You are with God and I know one day we will meet again. Until then I will continue to grow and learn from him. My purpose has yet to be realized. I look forward to my future with joy in my soul and strength in my bones :) This isn't the end all.

Until we meet again my sweet baby,
Love your mama

 

 

 

This was sent by your awesome Godmother.

 



 

Last Halloween

My Evangeline

I was remembering what it was like for me last Halloween.  I wore a costume showing off the little baby that was growing inside me.  For a lot of people at work that was the first time they found out I was carrying you.  I was so happy to be celebrating with my baby girl.  We passed out candy together and although in the back of my mind I could tell something was wrong, I enjoyed it.  We had a scary movie going on tv, ate some pizza and greeted the kids.  I told you that from there on out it would be me and you passing out candy.  Of course eventually I would be taking you out to get candy.  That thought brought I warm feeling over me and still does. 

I had no idea how different this year would turn out to be.  No idea.  I have mixed feelings at times because I feel the great loss but I also feel joy knowing that you are with God.  It's so strange to have those two things at the same time.  It can send my emotions in all types of directions.  But I pray about it and somehow God brings me peace.  However I know that I will miss you until I see you again.  I'll continue to keep your memory with me and the joy that you gave me.

Love always,
Your mama

Remembering "It's a girl!!"

My Evangeline,

One year ago today I had my doctor appointment to reveal what your gender was. I wanted to surprise my family with it so I decided to throw a gender reveal party. Your awesome Godmother decided that it should be a surprise for me too. So when the doctor saw what your gender was she did not let me know and instead called your Godmother. She also gave me your picture in a sealed envelope for me to open at the party. I was so anxiously waiting for the party. I wanted to start calling you baby girl or baby boy instead of just baby. Have I mentioned how awesome your Godmother is? Well, if you don't already know this will prove it. For my surprise she bought pink balloons and placed them in a box. She also got blue and pink cupcakes with pink filling inside all of them. When the time came to reveal you I opened the box and out flew the pink balloons. We were all so excited and thrilled! Everyone took a guess on what you were and they were wearing either a mustache for a boy or red lips for a girl. I have to say that this was the best day of my life at that point. I finally knew what little bundle of joy I was carrying was. I was so proud of my baby girl, the little baby girl that tickled me in the afternoons when she felt playful. The little baby girl that felt it wasn't time to reveal who she was at 13 weeks so she teased the nurse. That was a great day and I will never forget.

Knowing what I lost still hurts very much and I am sure that if I think of it long enough I will break down. But I am also at peace because I know you are with the Lord. I know you are happy, loved and very well taken care of. And I know that you changed the course of my life completely and helped set me free. The next few weeks were the beginning of my worst nightmare last year. This year I will go through them with confidence in who you are and what your purpose was for me.

I love you my baby girl,
Your mama

Today marks the end of a chapter

My Evangeline,

Today is the day that I am legally free and divorced. Although I feel that I've already started over and began a new life, today officially marks the end of a big chapter in my life. I am not sad, angry or resentful. Instead I look at those years with gratitude for what I learned from them. There were good memories and lessons that I will take with me going forward. I pray that this will also help your dad move forward and begin a new life. I pray for his salvation too. It ended in an explosive manner but also with a sweet gift, you. God has his hand in my life and I've come to the realization of how much he loves me. Sending you not only set me free but showed me what real love is. It showed me a glimpse of how he loves us. I hope that everyone can experience that love in some way.

Going through this process has been a roller coaster to say the least. I have never felt more unstable. What is great is that this whole time God has been with me, guiding me and in fact I was stabilized by him. It was my emotions that were unstable. I don't feel bad about that because I know given all that has happened it is normal to be over emotional. I also know that God will and has healed me. The strength I have comes from him. The perseverance and love that I have comes from him. I would have never known who he is had I not gone through what I did. I am grateful. I look forward with new perspective and new realization.

Love,
your mama

God's love and friends

My Evangeline,

I was thinking today about the way that God shows us love. Personally I have trouble  receiving it sometimes because it is not in physical form. I find myself wishing that I could see him and get a hug at least. I feel that way mostly when I need comfort. Well, during the darkest time of my life I needed comfort often. I still do at times. I came to the realization that God does appear and makes himself known through people. As humans we are made for relationships and fellowship. That is how God created us; to have a relationship with each other and him. I wasn't sure if he played a part in our lives but I am completely sure now.
Last year when I made a big decision to leave the firm that I loved, and the people, I did not realize what was in store for me. It was hard to leave people that I grew to know and love for many years. But I took that leap not knowing what was coming. I found out that I was pregnant with you and although that was amazing, it was also the beginning of a very traumatic time. Right around the time that I found out about you my good friend Jenna came over from the firm to work where I did. I was happy to work again with someone that was part of my EKSH family. Little did I know God had his hand in it. I am not a person that can get comfortable easily. But with Jenna I was able to share my joys about you and the fears I had. She was a firsthand witness to all that happened with you. After I lost you I was numb to say the least. I didn't return to work right away but even when I did, I couldn't look at anyone. I tried to talk as little as possible as well. I didn't feel human anymore. I felt dead inside. I had little motivation to keep going and live. It was only by Gods grace that I was able to get up every day and keep going because he knows I didn't want to anymore. Jenna was my saving grace at work. She helped me by talking to me like normal person and getting me up and out. She listened when I needed to vent and let me cry. Jenna was the only one that I could talk to at work comfortably. She stayed close to me as much as she could. Without knowing or thinking I leaned on her and she helped carry some of my weight. I shut down and closed myself off to everyone except very close family and friends. Jenna was one of those people.

Today I am stronger and am finding that I can stand on my own. Now that God knows that I am ready I believe he blessed Jenna with an amazing new opportunity and more. Today was her last day here at work. I am sad because I will miss her. But I also feel blessed that I had the opportunity to have someone in my daily life to help me keep going. I am blessed to have a friend that cracks me up like no other. Even when it was hard, she found a way to make me laugh.

Love comes from God and we see it shine in people.  I am grateful to him and to my friend Jenna.

Love,
your mama

Ailey bear

My Ailey,

I received your "Molly bear" yesterday.  It is the cutest little bear with a minney mouse dress and made to weigh as much as you did.  I am also participating in a walk for NILMDTS next weekend with family and friends in your memory.  All of this makes me happy but also reminds me of what happened and that you are gone.  I keep thinking about how I felt when I was told you weren't going to make it.  I keep remembering the feeling of deep pain and the horrible realization that I could not do anything to stop it.  Not one thing.  It is awful and something I will carry with me.  But I also remember the time that God allowed us to have with you.  We were told we weren't going to get that time with you but we did.  It was the best two hours of my life and I treasure it.  As your anniversary approaches I am sure that I will be filled with joyful memories as well as painful ones.  But I will rejoice in your memory and in God.  And I will remember your purpose and be grateful for what I was given.

I love you baby,
your mama

Restoring the old me

My Evangeline,

Yesterday I came to an amazing realization that I am incredibly grateful for.  My caring nature for others has been returned to me.  After I lost you I lost the ability to feel happiness for others.  I never wished anything bad but I couldn't share in their happiness.  It was really scary for me because no matter what terrible times I had been through, I never felt that way before.  I felt dead inside with no joy at all.  I was scared and honestly I think I scared my family too!  I prayed to God for him to restore that ability in me.  He answered my prayer.  I genuinely feel happiness and share in the joy of others again.  The relief that I feel is unexplainable.  I also realized that since love comes from God, I will never lose that ability.  He will keep showing me the way and restore whatever this life breaks.  I wish that I could share this love with you.  Hopefully in some way I am.

Love,
your mama