Once again I crashed and am feeling pretty low. I was finally starting to gain strength and be happy but my fear of losing never went away. It's hard not to fear loss when you've already lost everything. I lost everything that meant a great deal to me, especially you. The only one that I did not lose was the Lord. If it wasn't for him I would be lost completely. I am struggling with getting over the fact that loss will continue to come my way. I've had so much pain that the thought of more pain paralyzes me. What frustrates me is that I know that whatever comes my way the Lord will get me through it. I completely know this to be true from experience. But I am being a coward and not wanting to suffer anymore. The moment that something good comes into my life I begin to brace myself for the day that it leaves. And when it does, I hate myself for having expected it. You can't go through loss and pain unscathed. And I fear that I will come out of this with fear that I cannot overcome. I pray to God every day for strength, healing, comfort and peace. I need to be able to face life again without fear. Because the truth is tomorrow may never come and I spent today in dread of what may not happen. I realize that I am irrational and that what I've been through left some deep wounds and impacted my way of thinking. I am learning to take it one day at a time and understand what I need to work through. My experiences left damage that is surfacing. Maybe this is the Lords way of showing me what damage I have so that he can begin to help me heal. I am grateful that I am aware of this because I know that this is the first step to healing. Keep me in your prayers my baby. I thought I was over storm and it turns out I am still in the middle of it. But I see something that I did not see before, a light at the end of it.
My love for you I do not question and it motivates me to keep going.
Love,
Your mama
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