Evangeline was here

I decided to get a copy of my angel’s birth and death certificate. Although I was not looking forward to getting her death certificate, I was looking forward to having her birth certificate. I think that sometimes it is hard for everyone to remember that pregnancy loss is more than just losing your pregnancy; it's losing your baby. I want her birth certificate as a remembrance that she was here. I didn't realize how hard it would be to go through this process. As I was filing out the forms, I had to step out and take some very deep breaths in order to not have a break down in the middle of the office. There were so many parents there with their new born babies. I don't know why I did not expect that at all.

It became horrifying to me that I was there to pick up my baby's certificates without her.  I tried to ignore everyone around me as much as possible.  Soon my turn came to see the agent.  I handed him the paper work and he asked "what is your relationship to her",  I choked up as I said "She's my baby".  I immediately saw the look of sympathy take over his face.  I had to look away because I couldn't take much more.  I hung in there as best as I could. Luckily he sped up the process and I was out of there in no time.  Afterwards I let out my emotions, frustrations and decided to go visit my angel.  I had to keep reminding myself  over and over that although she is not physically with me she is alive and with me in spirit.

Then I started thinking, when I found out that I was pregnant I knew that my life would change. I had no idea that it would change like this. We all have an expectation of how the path of life should go and we lose sight of how little control we actually have. Events will happen that will change the course of your life without you expecting it. I will honor Evangeline and use her life to fuel mine and become a better, stronger person. She has had a big impact on me and I carry her with me daily. I know that she has had and will have an impact on others. Even if the impact is just a reminder that life is precious and short, to appreciate the time that we have together in this world. And that having a baby does not come easy and it is truly a gift.

I am the mother of an angel baby. To me that means that instead of me influencing and teaching her, Evangeline is influencing and teaching me.