I miss you

My Evangeline

This week is incredibly difficult.  You should be in my belly waiting for the right time to make an appearance or in my arms.  Now, when I think of this it feels like such a dream.  I guess because I know now that it is not a possibility.  That dream has come and gone and not the way I wanted it to.  I find myself day dreaming of what it should have been like.  What it would have been like if you were still here.  Excitement and anticipation would be surrounding me instead of pain and emptiness.  I am finding it hard to release these feelings that I have because life does not let up.  It just keeps pressing on without any acknowledgement and there is not way for me to stop it.  I hope that this weekend I can dedicate the time that I need to let out what I feel. 

I miss you so much.  So much that the words "I miss you" just doesn't cover it.  Accepting what happened and the fact that I don't have you has not been easy.  It's hard to accept that you lost your baby.  How do you ever accept that?  I am doing my best my angel to honor you and keep going.  But my heart rips out of my chest over and over again.  My heart is broken, so broken that I have to really try to live.  I have moments of happiness but they don't last and they don't mend my heart.  I've never felt so broken.  You are by far the greatest loss I've ever had.  Nothing compares.  I lost a part of me that is so pure and precious.  If only I could have one wish.

I love you and I will keep doing my best to live this life.

Until we meet again my angel
Love,
your mama