Happy birthday

My Evangeline Ailey

Today is your birthday. All of the emotions from this last week was leading up to this day. I was thinking last night how strange emotions can be. No matter how hard I try to contain them, and be at peace, they get away from me at times. I don't know why I try to contain them. Maybe because I don't want to negatively affect those around me. But the truth is I need to let them out, so I did. I have joy because I know you are with God and at the same time I have sadness because you are not with me. How can I not be emotional? Those are two strong and different emotions that I have. I prayed about it knowing that God hears me and understands. This incredible experience has led to an increase in my understanding of him. I know what it is like to love without expectation. I know what it is like to surrender the person you swore to protect. And I know what longing to be reunited is.

The night I said goodbye I asked God for his help. I also asked for him to help me get to know my savior more. I read in the bible that the Lord longs to be reunited with us. We are a part of him and he anxiously waits for the day we can be together. Because of you I know exactly how he feels. You are a part of me. I thought that by reading the bible and studying all that I could I would get to know him more. I now realize that he is using my life experience to show me who he is. You are such a big part in that. On the day you passed not only were you united with the Lord, so was I. We both received a gift that day. Now I have to focus on his purpose for my life. For someone like me the concept of focusing on oneself can be very hard. But thanks to the guidance I receive I know that I can do it. I am not sure where my life is going and that is ok. What I do know is that God is completely involved and knowing that gives me strength and motivation.

After I let out my emotions and prayed I came to a conclusion. Your purpose was straight to the point and you accomplished it. Now it is my turn to take my life in the direction God leads me. This is the last letter that I will write you. All that I needed to say has been said and this past year has healed me. I do not wish to stay in sorrow because I want to rejoice in our salvation. I want to rejoice in the love I have come to know. I have accepted your purpose and that you are no longer here. You are with God and I know one day we will meet again. Until then I will continue to grow and learn from him. My purpose has yet to be realized. I look forward to my future with joy in my soul and strength in my bones :) This isn't the end all.

Until we meet again my sweet baby,
Love your mama

 

 

 

This was sent by your awesome Godmother.

 



 

Last Halloween

My Evangeline

I was remembering what it was like for me last Halloween.  I wore a costume showing off the little baby that was growing inside me.  For a lot of people at work that was the first time they found out I was carrying you.  I was so happy to be celebrating with my baby girl.  We passed out candy together and although in the back of my mind I could tell something was wrong, I enjoyed it.  We had a scary movie going on tv, ate some pizza and greeted the kids.  I told you that from there on out it would be me and you passing out candy.  Of course eventually I would be taking you out to get candy.  That thought brought I warm feeling over me and still does. 

I had no idea how different this year would turn out to be.  No idea.  I have mixed feelings at times because I feel the great loss but I also feel joy knowing that you are with God.  It's so strange to have those two things at the same time.  It can send my emotions in all types of directions.  But I pray about it and somehow God brings me peace.  However I know that I will miss you until I see you again.  I'll continue to keep your memory with me and the joy that you gave me.

Love always,
Your mama

Remembering "It's a girl!!"

My Evangeline,

One year ago today I had my doctor appointment to reveal what your gender was. I wanted to surprise my family with it so I decided to throw a gender reveal party. Your awesome Godmother decided that it should be a surprise for me too. So when the doctor saw what your gender was she did not let me know and instead called your Godmother. She also gave me your picture in a sealed envelope for me to open at the party. I was so anxiously waiting for the party. I wanted to start calling you baby girl or baby boy instead of just baby. Have I mentioned how awesome your Godmother is? Well, if you don't already know this will prove it. For my surprise she bought pink balloons and placed them in a box. She also got blue and pink cupcakes with pink filling inside all of them. When the time came to reveal you I opened the box and out flew the pink balloons. We were all so excited and thrilled! Everyone took a guess on what you were and they were wearing either a mustache for a boy or red lips for a girl. I have to say that this was the best day of my life at that point. I finally knew what little bundle of joy I was carrying was. I was so proud of my baby girl, the little baby girl that tickled me in the afternoons when she felt playful. The little baby girl that felt it wasn't time to reveal who she was at 13 weeks so she teased the nurse. That was a great day and I will never forget.

Knowing what I lost still hurts very much and I am sure that if I think of it long enough I will break down. But I am also at peace because I know you are with the Lord. I know you are happy, loved and very well taken care of. And I know that you changed the course of my life completely and helped set me free. The next few weeks were the beginning of my worst nightmare last year. This year I will go through them with confidence in who you are and what your purpose was for me.

I love you my baby girl,
Your mama

Today marks the end of a chapter

My Evangeline,

Today is the day that I am legally free and divorced. Although I feel that I've already started over and began a new life, today officially marks the end of a big chapter in my life. I am not sad, angry or resentful. Instead I look at those years with gratitude for what I learned from them. There were good memories and lessons that I will take with me going forward. I pray that this will also help your dad move forward and begin a new life. I pray for his salvation too. It ended in an explosive manner but also with a sweet gift, you. God has his hand in my life and I've come to the realization of how much he loves me. Sending you not only set me free but showed me what real love is. It showed me a glimpse of how he loves us. I hope that everyone can experience that love in some way.

Going through this process has been a roller coaster to say the least. I have never felt more unstable. What is great is that this whole time God has been with me, guiding me and in fact I was stabilized by him. It was my emotions that were unstable. I don't feel bad about that because I know given all that has happened it is normal to be over emotional. I also know that God will and has healed me. The strength I have comes from him. The perseverance and love that I have comes from him. I would have never known who he is had I not gone through what I did. I am grateful. I look forward with new perspective and new realization.

Love,
your mama

God's love and friends

My Evangeline,

I was thinking today about the way that God shows us love. Personally I have trouble  receiving it sometimes because it is not in physical form. I find myself wishing that I could see him and get a hug at least. I feel that way mostly when I need comfort. Well, during the darkest time of my life I needed comfort often. I still do at times. I came to the realization that God does appear and makes himself known through people. As humans we are made for relationships and fellowship. That is how God created us; to have a relationship with each other and him. I wasn't sure if he played a part in our lives but I am completely sure now.
Last year when I made a big decision to leave the firm that I loved, and the people, I did not realize what was in store for me. It was hard to leave people that I grew to know and love for many years. But I took that leap not knowing what was coming. I found out that I was pregnant with you and although that was amazing, it was also the beginning of a very traumatic time. Right around the time that I found out about you my good friend Jenna came over from the firm to work where I did. I was happy to work again with someone that was part of my EKSH family. Little did I know God had his hand in it. I am not a person that can get comfortable easily. But with Jenna I was able to share my joys about you and the fears I had. She was a firsthand witness to all that happened with you. After I lost you I was numb to say the least. I didn't return to work right away but even when I did, I couldn't look at anyone. I tried to talk as little as possible as well. I didn't feel human anymore. I felt dead inside. I had little motivation to keep going and live. It was only by Gods grace that I was able to get up every day and keep going because he knows I didn't want to anymore. Jenna was my saving grace at work. She helped me by talking to me like normal person and getting me up and out. She listened when I needed to vent and let me cry. Jenna was the only one that I could talk to at work comfortably. She stayed close to me as much as she could. Without knowing or thinking I leaned on her and she helped carry some of my weight. I shut down and closed myself off to everyone except very close family and friends. Jenna was one of those people.

Today I am stronger and am finding that I can stand on my own. Now that God knows that I am ready I believe he blessed Jenna with an amazing new opportunity and more. Today was her last day here at work. I am sad because I will miss her. But I also feel blessed that I had the opportunity to have someone in my daily life to help me keep going. I am blessed to have a friend that cracks me up like no other. Even when it was hard, she found a way to make me laugh.

Love comes from God and we see it shine in people.  I am grateful to him and to my friend Jenna.

Love,
your mama

Ailey bear

My Ailey,

I received your "Molly bear" yesterday.  It is the cutest little bear with a minney mouse dress and made to weigh as much as you did.  I am also participating in a walk for NILMDTS next weekend with family and friends in your memory.  All of this makes me happy but also reminds me of what happened and that you are gone.  I keep thinking about how I felt when I was told you weren't going to make it.  I keep remembering the feeling of deep pain and the horrible realization that I could not do anything to stop it.  Not one thing.  It is awful and something I will carry with me.  But I also remember the time that God allowed us to have with you.  We were told we weren't going to get that time with you but we did.  It was the best two hours of my life and I treasure it.  As your anniversary approaches I am sure that I will be filled with joyful memories as well as painful ones.  But I will rejoice in your memory and in God.  And I will remember your purpose and be grateful for what I was given.

I love you baby,
your mama

Restoring the old me

My Evangeline,

Yesterday I came to an amazing realization that I am incredibly grateful for.  My caring nature for others has been returned to me.  After I lost you I lost the ability to feel happiness for others.  I never wished anything bad but I couldn't share in their happiness.  It was really scary for me because no matter what terrible times I had been through, I never felt that way before.  I felt dead inside with no joy at all.  I was scared and honestly I think I scared my family too!  I prayed to God for him to restore that ability in me.  He answered my prayer.  I genuinely feel happiness and share in the joy of others again.  The relief that I feel is unexplainable.  I also realized that since love comes from God, I will never lose that ability.  He will keep showing me the way and restore whatever this life breaks.  I wish that I could share this love with you.  Hopefully in some way I am.

Love,
your mama

Missing you

My Evangeline,

Yesterday was a hard day.  All of the emotions of my missing you surfaced and I couldn't contain them.  I know that you are with God and I will see you again but it does not take away the fact that I miss you.  I began to clean up a room that had things from the past in it.  In there I found clothes that I had worn with you. I found the outfit that I wore the last day that we shared as a "normal day".  We went out to eat with your Godmother and shopped.  It was a great day.  I couldn't stand to look at the outfit for too long.  It hurt too much.  It was like looking at something that you had worn.  I don't know that I will ever be able to let go of that outfit.  For now, I won't worry about it because I know God will lead me there when the time is right.  I thought about the first time that I felt you kick.  Those memories are so tender and sweet to me.  I am grateful that I was able to experience that and able to know you.  Yesterday was a bad day but I know that because of God sending you into my life I will have many more good days to look forward to.  Even so, I will miss you until I see you again.

Love,
your mama

The final step is complete

My Evangeline,

The final step of our journey together is complete.  Your stone was placed with you this past weekend.  I wasn't sure how I would feel when I saw it done.  A rush of emotions came over me.  I felt sadness knowing that this was the final phase to our journey together.  But I also felt joy knowing that you had your stone with you.  I know that you are in the Lords hands and that is what the stone is reflecting.  It makes me happy that it is yours.
I think about all of the trials and heart aches that I've had to face in my life.  All of those experiences really took a toll on my self-confidence and outlook on what I am worth.  But our Father knew my worth and never let me go even when I turned away from him.  Having gone through the most tragic experience of them all, losing you, presented an opportunity for me to remake myself.  I no longer see myself as a door mat that people use.  I look back at those experiences with strength and courage knowing that with God I can get through the most terrible times.  I have seen the face of evil, been through the darkest moments and had the most terrifying reality.  But God not once left my side and pulled me up to keep going.  I don't think I realize the strength that I have or really appreciate it.  I am more confident than I have been and although I waiver here and there I will keep growing.  You can decide to keep letting bad experiences beat you down or you can decide to face them and learn from them.  I choose the latter and it all started with you my angel. 

Of course it will never be goodbye for us.  I know I will be with you again.

Love,
your mama

Spirit lead me

In the last few weeks I have struggled but I've also been growing in my faith with full force. I've prayed to God for guidance and he has answered me with clarity that I can't overlook. He has made it abundantly clear that I need to rest in him. I need to rest in what he has already done for me and that he loves me. His love is all that I need in this life and the love of others is really a bonus. It can be hard to accept that God, the creator of the universe perfect in his love, loves me. I am not worthy but he loves me anyway. How can that not be overwhelming? It is but I am also honored and love him in return. I am starting to get to know who he is and what I mean to him. He energizes my life and fills me up. The people his works through have also been great influences in my life. I am grateful. This song perfectly describes how I feel about God. It is in your darkest most hopeless moments that you reach for God.  A good friend told me that when you are in those moments you are finally able to hear what God has been trying to tell you.  In my case that is absolutely true.  It was only when I had nothing left to hold on to that I was able to see that Christ is the only one I can lean on and the only one that can pick me up again.  I will not lose sight of the gift and knowledge that he has given me.

Rejoicing

My Evangeline,

This week has been a roller coaster. I have been trying to gain control of my emotions and not stress out. As I am growing in my faith words that I've heard before have a new meaning. Yesterday I was reading a book on how feelings can really impact your way of thinking. As a sat there on my porch I looked up to take in the view. I realized that the peace and comfort that I longed for was given to me. I am no longer in a chaotic environment. I don't think that I realized that before. I am free and that part of my life has passed. I have the freedom now to be my own person and not have to carry all of the weight. Knowing that God loves me enough to not only never leave my side, but also pull me out of a situation that was completely wrong. His love is overwhelming. I prayed for him to save me and he did. Not in the way that I thought he would but in the way he knew was best. This morning I started to think of how lucky I am to have him and know that this is not the end. This is just the beginning of my journey with him. I actually learned the true meaning of rejoicing in what he has done. I am saved through Christ and it doesn't stop there. He is guiding my life and like a father, he loving watches over me. The troubles in this life are temporary but his love is eternal. I am growing my angel and I'll never forget that you were the start of all of it.  My blessing are more than I realize sometimes.


Love,
Your mama

Crashing once again

My Evangeline,


Once again I crashed and am feeling pretty low. I was finally starting to gain strength and be happy but my fear of losing never went away. It's hard not to fear loss when you've already lost everything. I lost everything that meant a great deal to me, especially you. The only one that I did not lose was the Lord. If it wasn't for him I would be lost completely. I am struggling with getting over the fact that loss will continue to come my way. I've had so much pain that the thought of more pain paralyzes me. What frustrates me is that I know that whatever comes my way the Lord will get me through it. I completely know this to be true from experience. But I am being a coward and not wanting to suffer anymore. The moment that something good comes into my life I begin to brace myself for the day that it leaves. And when it does, I hate myself for having expected it. You can't go through loss and pain unscathed. And I fear that I will come out of this with fear that I cannot overcome. I pray to God every day for strength, healing, comfort and peace. I need to be able to face life again without fear. Because the truth is tomorrow may never come and I spent today in dread of what may not happen. I realize that I am irrational and that what I've been through left some deep wounds and impacted my way of thinking. I am learning to take it one day at a time and understand what I need to work through. My experiences left damage that is surfacing. Maybe this is the Lords way of showing me what damage I have so that he can begin to help me heal. I am grateful that I am aware of this because I know that this is the first step to healing. Keep me in your prayers my baby. I thought I was over storm and it turns out I am still in the middle of it. But I see something that I did not see before, a light at the end of it.

My love for you I do not question and it motivates me to keep going.

Love,
Your mama

God deserves the praise

My Evangeline,

I had a reunion with my fellow grieving parents yesterday.   I hadn't seen the group in a while and I didn't realize how much I missed them.  Every single person said that I looked great.  Kim,  one of the facilitators, told me that I was her hero.  I told her that it's not my strength it's the Lords.  I wouldn't be standing if it weren't for him.  Losing you would have been the end of me if it wasn't for my faith.  Kim also has faith and knows what I am talking about.  She mentioned that there are women how are 10 plus years out and still have not recovered.  I can see that being the case without having the Lord.  I praise him because he never left my side and sent you to rescue me.  Then he helped me get up and keep going, and he still does.  There are days when I crash and my emotions spin out of control.  But the next day I get back up again and keep going and it's all because of him.  It weird, I know that he has always been with me but I couldn't feel it.  Now I do.  I feel his love and his watchful eye guiding me.  I know that you know who he is and are with him.  I hope that you are proud that I am starting to know who he is as well.

I love you my baby,
Your mama

Another milestone

My Evangeline,

I passed a couple of milestones this past weekend. It was one year ago that we had taken a trip to Cancun. You were just a tiny little baby with me on the beach and in the ocean. I was essentially alone but not completely. You were with me and I did my best to enjoy the vacation with you. I spent this weekend with friends and family. I had a great time but you were not far from my thoughts.

There are chapters in my life that I realize I need to close. I started to go through old clothes that no longer fit me and I don't wear. Some of those clothes I wore with you. It was very emotionally hard to gather those things and give them away. It's another step in my accepting that you are gone, that our time together ended. It doesn't mean that I will ever stop loving you, it's not possible. But it does mean that I need to close that chapter in my life and let you be at peace. Step by step I am healing and letting out the pain that I still have.  The pain that will probably never go away but I know it cannot be ignored. I know that I need to go through the pain in order to find peace.

I love you and miss you every day,

Your mama

Remembering the positive test

My Evangeline, 

This past Sunday marks a year since I found out I was pregnant with you.  I remember thinking that it was a possibility since my period was acting weird.  I was scared of taking the test because I didn't want to be let down if it was negative.  When the two lines appeared I couldn't believe it so I took another one.  Sure enough that one came back positive too. I've heard parents describe a since of fear when the find out.  Not me, I felt a rush of strength and I thought to myself "Ok, I am ready".   From that moment you became my priority.  I was ready and determined to take care of you.  My prayer was answered and our journey had begun. 
A week later we went to Cancun and you came along with me.  I was fully aware of you and began to picture my life with you.  I was happy to be on the beach with my little baby growing inside me.  I walked on the beach, swam in the ocean and ate good food with you on my mind.  I decided to use the beach and the ocean as a back drop for my announcement to your grandparents. I took a picture of the word "Bebe" written on the beach and showed them.  Needless to say they loved it.  The wait to meet you began for them and for your uncles and aunty.  Excitement and anticipation filled everyone's heart. You were loved right off the bat my angel.  I'll never forget those beautiful moments and feelings.
I look back at that time with sadness but also joy.  It's easy to get preoccupied with the grief and forget the joy.  That was one of the best moments of my life.  I am blessed to have experienced that and to be your mom.  I can't forget the love that you gave me and I won't.

I love you my baby,
Your mama

Around this time last year...

My Evangeline,

It was about this time last year that you were making your home in my belly.  I had no idea you were there but I had been praying for you for a very long time.  This weekend is very hard for me.  Thinking that just a year ago my time with you was about to begin.  I am remembering the joy that I felt with you.  No one has ever touched my heart the way that you have.  At that time I thought that my prayer would never be answered.  Little did I know that it was not only answered but an amazing soul was going to present itself to me.  It's only been a year but it feels like a life time ago.  This has by far been the longest year of my life.  These next six months will be hard but will also bring joy.  I am going to do my best to remember every moment that we shared and all the love that you gave me.

I miss you so so much

Love,
Your mama

Your memorial

My Evangeline,

I received notice today stating that the design for your memorial is ready. My heart dropped. It's strange, although I know that you are in heaven the thought of your memorial really hurts. When I was at the designer's office I felt a huge blow to my heart when he said your name. The thought that I won't have you in my future has sunk in but the fact that I lost you still very much hurts. Part of me does not want to finish the memorial because it signifies finishing my chapter with you. But I have to honor you and give you the memorial that you deserve. I will never love another human being more than you. You are a precious part of me that cannot be replaced. I am honored to be your mom. I will hold on to the tender love you gave me and with God's help use it as fuel to keep going.

I love you,
your mama

Finding myself

My Evangeline,


When you were with me I was confident in who I was, I was your mom. My purpose was to take care of you and share my life with you. Although life around me was unstable, I personally was stable because I knew who I was. Now that life around me is stable, I am not stable. I am not sure of who I am but I do know my purpose. Because of God revealing himself to me, I know that my purpose is to have a relationship with him. To know who he is and who I am in his eyes. I am more than a daughter or a friend, I am his creation and made in his image. I've struggled a lot this week with the realization that I've been rejected by people and how that has impacted me. Those wounds were there but I did not realize how deep they were until now. They really have affected who I've been and how I act. I've been praying to God for his help through this and what I've heard is that he accepts me and will never reject me. He has never left me and never will. That is why it is important for me to get to know him more. He will give me the strength and self-confidence that I need to heal. When I had you I was confident because I had to be in order to be the best mom that I could. Now that you are not with me, I am struggling with that because I have no motivation but myself. What a concept it is to be your own motivation and God being the driver of it. I have the desire to go where God wants me to and this is what I being revealed.  I no longer have to please people in order to gain their acceptance.  I am accepted by God and that is all that will ever matter.  Thanks to you my angel, I am finding myself in God.


I love you so very much,
Your mama

Growing in faith

My Evangeline,

Most of my focus lately has been on growing in my faith through knowledge of what God has done for us and what he has said. I've always believed in what Jesus has done for us but I never really surrendered myself to him. The moment that I realized that I was going to lose you I was faced with a choice. It was clear as day. I could either lose my faith and my mind along with it, or I could grow in my faith and hang on to God. I knew that there was no way that I could get through this alone. I also knew that there was nothing anyone could do to help me. That is why I only had those two choices. Without a second thought I leaned on God and surrendered you to him as well as myself. He has helped me through bad situations before and I knew that he would help me through this. Although I did not want to give you up, I knew that I had no control over that and I surrendered you to him. I knew that he would take you in his arms and you would be in the best care that anyone can receive.

Since this realization, I have been searching for a way to grow in my faith. I have prayed for God to guide me in my growth. The answer that I've received over and over is that in order to grow I need to gain knowledge. Knowledge of what he has said and done. This way I can get to know who he is and who I am in him. In this process I have met great people that are on the same journey. We all have the desire to know our God and are humbled by the love he has for us. It has been really exciting and mind blowing for me. There are so many versus that speak to me in the bible.

One of them is this "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we^[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. ⁶ You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷ Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. ⁸ But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans Chapter 5

It can be hard to believe how much God loves us when we feel so unworthy. I personally have felt that I have not done anything to earn his love so how could he love me. But every time that I have that feeling I think of you. From the moment that I saw you as a small tiny fetus I loved you. I heard your little heart beating and you completely captured mine. I would have given my life for you right then and there. You did not have to do one thing to earn my love, you just existed. That is how God loves us and he did give his life for us. I am so very humbled and grateful for that. It makes me want to get to know him more.

This is one of the many reasons why you were my blessing. I know God sent you to pull me back to him because I was lost. You are my Evangeline.


I love you
Your mama

Mother's Day without you

My Evangeline,

Mother's Day came and went without any real surprises. It was a yet another reminder that you are not with me anymore. It was an emotional day but there were good moments in it too. I was able to smile and laugh but I still had a heavy heart knowing that I don't get to see you. For me that day really wasn't about me, it was about you. So I celebrated knowing that you are in heaven with God, knowing that you are happy and safe. I wish that I could hold you and give you love but that wish is every day. I guess what I am saying is that Mother's Day was no different. I love you and I miss you every single day. But I am grateful that on that day I received the love and support that I really needed. That those closest to me recognized you and the loss we all feel. Sometimes remembering that I am not alone in this is all that I need.


Until we meet again my angel
Love always,
Your mama