Heaviness in my heart

My Evangeline

There is a strong heaviness in my heart today. As our due date approaches it gets harder and heavier. I am trying to not let it get to me because I know I will break down. I am just trying to make it to the end of the work week. I continue to wish that this was not real and that you were still with me. Not having you can be unbearable at times. I pray that God continues to give me the comfort knowing that you are in heaven, healthy and thriving. I pray that God helps me find peace. I feel so alone and empty.  Saying that this is the greatest challenge that I’ve faced is an understatement.  I know that I am only standing because of the strength I receive from God and you. 

 
Until we meet again my angel
Love,
Your mama

I miss you

My Evangeline

This week is incredibly difficult.  You should be in my belly waiting for the right time to make an appearance or in my arms.  Now, when I think of this it feels like such a dream.  I guess because I know now that it is not a possibility.  That dream has come and gone and not the way I wanted it to.  I find myself day dreaming of what it should have been like.  What it would have been like if you were still here.  Excitement and anticipation would be surrounding me instead of pain and emptiness.  I am finding it hard to release these feelings that I have because life does not let up.  It just keeps pressing on without any acknowledgement and there is not way for me to stop it.  I hope that this weekend I can dedicate the time that I need to let out what I feel. 

I miss you so much.  So much that the words "I miss you" just doesn't cover it.  Accepting what happened and the fact that I don't have you has not been easy.  It's hard to accept that you lost your baby.  How do you ever accept that?  I am doing my best my angel to honor you and keep going.  But my heart rips out of my chest over and over again.  My heart is broken, so broken that I have to really try to live.  I have moments of happiness but they don't last and they don't mend my heart.  I've never felt so broken.  You are by far the greatest loss I've ever had.  Nothing compares.  I lost a part of me that is so pure and precious.  If only I could have one wish.

I love you and I will keep doing my best to live this life.

Until we meet again my angel
Love,
your mama

IRS recognizes preemies

The IRS gained some of my respect. They recognize preemies no matter how long they lived. They will let you claim your babies. As a parent who has lost their baby I personally can say that validation of your baby is important. Although I definitely do not need validation for myself, it's great to see others recognize your baby. Filling out Evangeline's information is hard but also rewarding in the since that it confirms yet again her existence. She is leaving a mark in this world and it doesn’t matter how short her time here was, which is invaluable to me.  Not having a life time to share with her has left me grasping onto anything that I can share.  My angel will never be forgotten <3

Everything seems so trivial

My Evangeline

Everything seems so trivial right now.  I am finding it hard to care about anything.  It all just doesn’t matter.  I was on the March 2014 birth club this morning in an effort to do something that mattered.  I mainly look for any moms that might need support.  I decided to look at the birth announcements as well.  I quickly scrolled to see if any moms needed support but I couldn’t help but notice that there were a lot of babies born with estimated birth dates close to yours.  I wasn’t trying to torture myself but at the same time I want to fantasize that this could be us.  If everything was perfect you may just be in my arms right now, or within days.  I wish so badly that this was the case.  I’ve prayed for this too many times to count.  I miss you so very much.  I am trying to focus on ways to keep your memory going and ways to honor you.  Maybe if I focus hard enough on that the cruel reality won’t set in.

I have so much love for you and I am trying to find ways to release and demonstrate it.  Nothing will compare to my being able to give it to you directly but I hope you can feel it where you are.  I know that there are many babies and children in heaven with parents here on earth longing for them.  I’ve asked God that if he happens to see you pass by, to give you as much love as possible on my behalf. 

The love for your child is like no other love.  It is extremely hard to have that love and no baby to give it to.  I will try to channel that love to others on earth in your memory.

 Until we meet again my angel

Love,
Your mama

What I wouldn't give

My Evangeline

Normally thinking that your alive and well in heaven is enough to keep my going.  I picture you healthy, happy and vibrant.  Full of life,  just how you were in my belly.  Today this is not enough.  Nothing is helping me.  It's just not right that I don't have you.  It's not right that I won't see your cute little face.  It's not right that I won't be able to hold you.  It's not right that I won't be able to give you kisses.  What I wouldn't give to have all of that again.    You filled me up with your joy and enthusiasm.  I knew you had the sweetest personality.  You would get all excited when I would rub my belly after you kicked.  I still get phantom kicks.  Even my body misses you.  I miss you.  If I could only hold you again.  I will keep praying for that day.

Until we meet again my angel
Love,
Your mama

Evangeline was here

I decided to get a copy of my angel’s birth and death certificate. Although I was not looking forward to getting her death certificate, I was looking forward to having her birth certificate. I think that sometimes it is hard for everyone to remember that pregnancy loss is more than just losing your pregnancy; it's losing your baby. I want her birth certificate as a remembrance that she was here. I didn't realize how hard it would be to go through this process. As I was filing out the forms, I had to step out and take some very deep breaths in order to not have a break down in the middle of the office. There were so many parents there with their new born babies. I don't know why I did not expect that at all.

It became horrifying to me that I was there to pick up my baby's certificates without her.  I tried to ignore everyone around me as much as possible.  Soon my turn came to see the agent.  I handed him the paper work and he asked "what is your relationship to her",  I choked up as I said "She's my baby".  I immediately saw the look of sympathy take over his face.  I had to look away because I couldn't take much more.  I hung in there as best as I could. Luckily he sped up the process and I was out of there in no time.  Afterwards I let out my emotions, frustrations and decided to go visit my angel.  I had to keep reminding myself  over and over that although she is not physically with me she is alive and with me in spirit.

Then I started thinking, when I found out that I was pregnant I knew that my life would change. I had no idea that it would change like this. We all have an expectation of how the path of life should go and we lose sight of how little control we actually have. Events will happen that will change the course of your life without you expecting it. I will honor Evangeline and use her life to fuel mine and become a better, stronger person. She has had a big impact on me and I carry her with me daily. I know that she has had and will have an impact on others. Even if the impact is just a reminder that life is precious and short, to appreciate the time that we have together in this world. And that having a baby does not come easy and it is truly a gift.

I am the mother of an angel baby. To me that means that instead of me influencing and teaching her, Evangeline is influencing and teaching me.

3 months since we said goodbye

My Evangeline,

The sixth of the month is a sad reminder for me. It marks yet another month since we said goodbye. Three months have gone by and it feels like a life time. Time does fly but the time away from you drags on. It has been too long my angel. I relive that day over and over again, remembering holding you and watching you. I wish that I could go back to those hours and just stay there with you. Freeze time so that we would not have to say goodbye. I hope that it is not goodbye and that it's actually 'see you later'. I pray that God grants me that wish, that deep longing to see you again. As time goes on I am healing a bit more. I am realizing that I should celebrate your life and your rebirth into Heaven. I know that you are there and being very well taken care of. It hurts me because I wish that I would have had the opportunity to take care of your more. But I am trying not to be selfish and be grateful that my baby has the best care that anyone can receive. My pain and sacrifice is not in vain.

Until we meet again my Ailey,

Your mama <3