Finding myself

My Evangeline,


When you were with me I was confident in who I was, I was your mom. My purpose was to take care of you and share my life with you. Although life around me was unstable, I personally was stable because I knew who I was. Now that life around me is stable, I am not stable. I am not sure of who I am but I do know my purpose. Because of God revealing himself to me, I know that my purpose is to have a relationship with him. To know who he is and who I am in his eyes. I am more than a daughter or a friend, I am his creation and made in his image. I've struggled a lot this week with the realization that I've been rejected by people and how that has impacted me. Those wounds were there but I did not realize how deep they were until now. They really have affected who I've been and how I act. I've been praying to God for his help through this and what I've heard is that he accepts me and will never reject me. He has never left me and never will. That is why it is important for me to get to know him more. He will give me the strength and self-confidence that I need to heal. When I had you I was confident because I had to be in order to be the best mom that I could. Now that you are not with me, I am struggling with that because I have no motivation but myself. What a concept it is to be your own motivation and God being the driver of it. I have the desire to go where God wants me to and this is what I being revealed.  I no longer have to please people in order to gain their acceptance.  I am accepted by God and that is all that will ever matter.  Thanks to you my angel, I am finding myself in God.


I love you so very much,
Your mama

Growing in faith

My Evangeline,

Most of my focus lately has been on growing in my faith through knowledge of what God has done for us and what he has said. I've always believed in what Jesus has done for us but I never really surrendered myself to him. The moment that I realized that I was going to lose you I was faced with a choice. It was clear as day. I could either lose my faith and my mind along with it, or I could grow in my faith and hang on to God. I knew that there was no way that I could get through this alone. I also knew that there was nothing anyone could do to help me. That is why I only had those two choices. Without a second thought I leaned on God and surrendered you to him as well as myself. He has helped me through bad situations before and I knew that he would help me through this. Although I did not want to give you up, I knew that I had no control over that and I surrendered you to him. I knew that he would take you in his arms and you would be in the best care that anyone can receive.

Since this realization, I have been searching for a way to grow in my faith. I have prayed for God to guide me in my growth. The answer that I've received over and over is that in order to grow I need to gain knowledge. Knowledge of what he has said and done. This way I can get to know who he is and who I am in him. In this process I have met great people that are on the same journey. We all have the desire to know our God and are humbled by the love he has for us. It has been really exciting and mind blowing for me. There are so many versus that speak to me in the bible.

One of them is this "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we^[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. ⁶ You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷ Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. ⁸ But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans Chapter 5

It can be hard to believe how much God loves us when we feel so unworthy. I personally have felt that I have not done anything to earn his love so how could he love me. But every time that I have that feeling I think of you. From the moment that I saw you as a small tiny fetus I loved you. I heard your little heart beating and you completely captured mine. I would have given my life for you right then and there. You did not have to do one thing to earn my love, you just existed. That is how God loves us and he did give his life for us. I am so very humbled and grateful for that. It makes me want to get to know him more.

This is one of the many reasons why you were my blessing. I know God sent you to pull me back to him because I was lost. You are my Evangeline.


I love you
Your mama

Mother's Day without you

My Evangeline,

Mother's Day came and went without any real surprises. It was a yet another reminder that you are not with me anymore. It was an emotional day but there were good moments in it too. I was able to smile and laugh but I still had a heavy heart knowing that I don't get to see you. For me that day really wasn't about me, it was about you. So I celebrated knowing that you are in heaven with God, knowing that you are happy and safe. I wish that I could hold you and give you love but that wish is every day. I guess what I am saying is that Mother's Day was no different. I love you and I miss you every single day. But I am grateful that on that day I received the love and support that I really needed. That those closest to me recognized you and the loss we all feel. Sometimes remembering that I am not alone in this is all that I need.


Until we meet again my angel
Love always,
Your mama

Faith

My Evangeline,


Today is a hard day. It has been six months since I saw you last. I've been getting by pretty good but the pain does not go away. It's just a part of me now and today it surfaced. In my soul I know that you are alive in heaven and receiving the best love that we could ever hope for. But that does not take away the fact that I miss you and I wish that I could give you my love. My faith has strengthened because of you. You pointed me back to God. I know that there is no way that I could continue with my life, and find myself, without God by my side. Although he has given me a lot, I pray that he lets you know how much I love you and how much I miss you. I hope that through him you can feel it. So much has happened in these last six months and my life is completely different. I am headed in the right direction now. To say that I love you is a huge understatement. You have my heart.


Until we meet again my angel
Love,
Your mama

Heaven is for real

My Evangeline,

I recently heard about this book and movie. I fellow angel mom suggested that I read this book because it talks about babies that have passed away. This little boy Colton has a major medical complication that nearly took his life. During this time he went to heaven and met a sister that he did not know he had. He came back and told his parents that he met her. His sister was still born and his parents never mentioned her. This immediately caught my attention. I know that you are in heaven and I don't need confirmation. But I want so badly to be close to you. So I thought, why not get a glimpse of where you are and what you see. I just finished the book and I had to fight back tears while reading it. Colton says that he saw lots of children and they Jesus pays special attention to them. He describes heaven in such a beautiful way. He also said that his sister sought him out and introduced herself. That she is waiting to be reunited with her family. Words cannot describe how happy that made me, knowing that you are there, in heaven receiving love from Jesus. I am so incredibly humbled to know that my baby is getting the best love that there is. I am also humbled thinking that you are waiting for me. I am looking forward to the day that we meet again. I am going to hold you so tight and I won't let you go. Our time on earth was short but I know that we have an eternity to look forward to. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to see a bit of what you see through this amazing little boy.

I love you

Until we meet again my angel

Your mama