Slowly accepting

My Evangeline,
It has been a while since I wrote you.  My life has been in the fast lane lately.  This has helped me gain strength and slowly accept that you are not here.  Accepting does not mean that I am fine with it. I would give up everything to have you with me.  Accepting means that I know you came for a purpose and you served it well.  Now you are being rewarded in heaven and waiting for me.  Until the day comes that I get to hold you again, I will live my life to the fullest. Remembering the sweet love and memory that you left behind.  I think that in the beginning you were with me all of the time, now I feel that you've gone but pop in once in a while.  I hope that you keep popping in and that I make you proud.  You have my heart my angel.  Keep it safe as long as you see fit.  It's because of God that I was blessed with such a strong, inspiring little girl.  You give me strength.

I went to visit our family in Mexico.  Although at times it was really tough to connect and participate, I am glad that I went.  I needed to face what happened with my family that means so much to me.  I know that they hurt because of our circumstance and it's hard to see that hurt on their faces.  But it's love that keeps us together and makes us feel the pain of others.  I know that love was being sent your way all the way from Mexico.  And I know that you touched all of them as well.

I try not to think about where we should be right now.  For example, that you should be two months old and in my arms.  I don't think about it because I know it's not a possibility anymore.  I know that our time together on this earth was spent and you gave me enough love to last a life time.  I will love you the rest of my life.  Those six months with you will stay with me.  I am grateful for the opportunity that I was given to know you.   I am so thankful to God for sending you.  YOU CHANGED MY LIFE.  I cannot be more proud or love my baby girl more.

I love you my angel

Until we meet again,
Your mama

Your impact

My Evangeline,

You continue to touch many hearts and make me so very proud.  For your due date family and friends came together to support the Denver Children's Home.  This is a home for children that are orphans, have been abused, and/or have mental disabilities.  I decided to help them in your memory because I never got the opportunity to give you the best life I could.  Your sweet Grandma mentioned this to her co-workers.  This spring they decided to organize a drive for these children.  I am so very humbled and blessed by you.  You have touched and continue to touch people, more importantly, children with needs.  I love you more than words can ever say.  I am so very proud of my baby girl.  Keep doing your work here on earth angel, I will support you every step of the way.

Until we meet again
Love,
Your mama

 

5 months since I held you

My Evangeline,

It has been five months since I held you and kissed your cute face.  I still miss you every day.  I've been able to rejoice in your memory and not cry as often.  Remembering you brings my joy and happiness.  I've said this before but I am blessed for having known you.  I was blessed with the time we had together.  I'm pulling myself up out of the darkness and showing the light that you gave me.  I wish very much that I could share my life with you.  And maybe in some way I am.  You are in my heart always and never far from my thoughts.  I have a new found excitement for life that I did not have before.  And I know it's because of you and the love you showed me.  I just pray that you know how much you mean to me and how lucky I feel to be your mama.  I'll see you in my dreams my angel.

Until we meet again

Love always,
your mama

Brotherly love

My brother sent me this poem that his girlfriend found.  They have been very sweet and supportive.  It is what I needed to hear <3  It's sweet that they recognize my pain and try to bring me comfort as best they can, it means more to me than I can say.

My dream

My Evangeline,

As you know I talk to you every night. For a while I was asking you to give me some type of sign that you could hear me. I've heard of other angel mommies having received signs from their babies and I wanted the same to happen to me. After asking for a while nothing happened. So, I decided to change my tune. Instead of me being selfish, trying to make myself happy, I decided to ask what I really wanted to know. I said "ok baby, I just want to know that you are ok and happy. “That is all that I need". That night I had a dream that I was at a park and it was a beautiful, perfect day. I saw a little girl about 4 years old in a summer dress running, laughing and playing with other kids. Her brown hair was in a ponytail and she had big cheeks that embraced her smile. I called out your name Evangeline, and then I woke up. I believe that you came to me to show me that you are happy and safe. You looked like you were well taken care of and were having the best time. I am sure that your friends are other angels as well, with mommies here on earth longing for them.

I am very heart broken that I can't be with you and share happy moments.  But I am grateful that you are happy and safe.  Knowing that will have to be enough for me to keep going.  I will take this pain that I feel so that you can live in peace and joy.  I love you more than I even know.  My heart is with you and transcends this world into yours.

Until we meet again my angel

Love,
Your mama