Angel mommies

Throughout this experience I've met amazing people that have helped me along the way. None have been more amazing than my fellow angel mommies. It is so incredible to me that during their darkest and desperate moments, they reach out and give comfort to others. I was visiting my angel over the weekend and was approached by a mom, who is also named Ana. She lost her baby girl at 36 weeks in December. Ana was visiting her baby Isabelle and decided to come over to speak with me. She invited me to a gathering in honor of our angels. She and her husband want to honor the angels at Mt. Olivet. It was endearing to see love in Ana's eyes and receive comfort from her. I was so humbled because I know the pain that she feels and yet she is reaching out and helping others. Shortly after, another angel mommy came by to wish me a good day.

It reminded me that out of tragedy God creates good. It's easy for us to blame God when bad things happen because we want to put the blame on something, anything. But I've often thought, what if God doesn't cause these things to happen, they just do. It is the world that we live in; but God can and does create good out of really bad situations.

My journey has brought me closer to some of the most amazing people in this world. I am so very grateful for their love and support. It is not easy to give love when your heart is absolutely broken.  There is nothing like a person who's heart is shattered and somehow scrapes up all of the pieces to continue to give love.

Without Evangeline I would have never had the opportunity to be in their presence. There is a reason why they are referred to as warrior moms.

 

Desperate feeling

My Evangeline

I have so much love for you and I wasn't given enough time to share it.  Maybe there is no amount of time that would ever be enough.  But I definitely feel like our time was cut short.  Love doesn't go away just because your gone.  Sometimes it fuels my life but other times it makes me want to run to where ever you are.  I want to find you and hold you one more time.  It's a very desperate feeling.  No one should ever have to say goodbye to their baby.  I am trying to hold on to my faith that God brings out good from bad situations.  One thing that I know for sure is that he is the only reason I am still standing.   Because losing you has completely shattered my heart and rocked my soul.  I cannot do this without him and your memory keeps motivated to keep going.

Until we meet again my angel
Love,
Your mama

Padre Tomas

My Evangeline,

Heaven gained another beautiful spirit.  Father Tomas impacted my life in the best way.  I grew up listening to his teachings and it was because of him that I learned about God.  When I found out I was pregnant with you I decided to raise you a Catholic for that very reason.  I wanted you to grow up knowing God and I wanted to share my experience with you.  I grew up being around Father Tomas often but I never approached him directly.  I have an enormous amount of respect for him and I felt unworthy.  However, he would make comments to me here and there that made me feel like he noticed me.  It had been a very long time since I had seen him.  The night that you earned your wings your grandma called him.  I wasn't sure if he would come because it was really late and grandma left a message in the general mail box.  He came that next morning.  Father Tomas met you and baptized you.  I felt so honored that he heard the message and came out of his way to be with us.  I already knew that Father Tomas was heaven sent but this just confirmed it for me again.  He said that he knew you were in heaven and that knowing this should bring us comfort. He gave me hope and peace in a moment of despair.  I am very fortunate to have had someone like Father Tomas in my life.  And I am fortunate that God gave me the opportunity to share him with you.  I don't know if you've seen him yet but when you do you'll know what I was talking about.

I love you

Until we meet again my angel,
Your mama

I wasn't cheated..... I was blessed

Sometimes I forget of the blessing that I received.  I am so consumed with grief and longing, that I get caught in self pity.  I get wrapped up and what I don't have instead of remembering what I do have.  I don't want to live my life wishing I had more.  I constantly ask God for forgiveness because I feel like I am being ungrateful for what he gave me.  I prayed for him to send me an angel and he did.  I prayed for him to give me more time with her and he did.  How could I forget the treasure that he gave me?  I don't like the person that I am sometimes. This road has been so rough that it side swipes me into darkness.  I am very grateful for my angel.  I was extremely happy during my time with her.  I was able to see her grow, move, tease the nurse and doctors and feel her kicks.  I was able to make a connection with her and I know she felt me.  I was able to see her captivate my family and then sleep like the angel that she is.  What more could I ask for?  I was not cheated out of life, I was blessed.  Remembering this is easier said then done.  I will have to keep reading this over and over as I get through my grief.  But I will make this effort because Evangeline is worth it. 

You are my light

My Evangeline Ailey,

It has been 4 months since I've seen you. Going through grief is an absolute roller coaster.  I have high moments and then I have really low ones.  I had a rough night yesterday.  I don't want to continue my life without you.  I would trade all of my hopes and dreams to have you back.  This morning I am refreshed in spirit.  And I know that it is you giving me that strength to keep going.  Having experienced your joy and light has boosted my life.  Your names fit you perfectly.  Evangeline means (messenger of good news) and Ailey means (light). I am so very thankful for having met such a beautiful soul.  Remembering that brings me joy and happiness.  I feel fortunate.  I know that I will have low moments again,  it is inevitable.  But I hope that your spirit stays with me and guides me in my life.  I love you so much it consumes my heart.

Until we meet again my angel

Love,
Your mama

Passed another milestone

Grieving the loss of your baby is difficult every day.  However when big events/triggers come up the grief can be overwhelming.  The weeks leading up to my EDD, and the day of, were really hard.  With the constant love and support from family and friends I was able to get through this milestone.  Their words and support boosted me up.  I needed a boost over and over again because it is hard to get through depression.  I found myself pulling out of it but then heading right back.  It was the words below that I received from family and friends that helped me pull out.  Even just checking in helped me get through it.  Today I am feeling at peace and I am thankful for the support and patience. 

"You are a great mom and Evangeline is a lucky little girl"
"Evangeline fought hard because she loves you as her mom"
"I was honored to have met her, thank you for sharing her"
"I'll never forget the moment that I held her"
"I am sad that she is gone"
"I feel your pain and am right here with you"
"She will never be forgotten"
"She's so cute and special to me"
"I think about her all of the time"
"You'll always have her, she is yours for eternity"


All of these words bring peace to me.  I can never hear them enough.  When I am down I run these conversations in my head in order to motivate myself.

Thank you for going through this journey with me and not giving up.  It will never be over but encourgagement like this helps me find peace <3

March 3rd is finally here....

My Evangeline

The long awaited month of March has arrived.   From the moment that I found out you were in my belly I wanted this month to get here so fast.  There was a fear of losing you and I wanted to fast forward to March.  I prayed every night for God to keep you safe and with me.  I wanted to wake up every morning to your cute little face.  Now that March is here and it doesn’t have the same meaning.  I thought I would be in a hospital bed waiting to meet you.  I thought about what this week would feel like, the anticipation and excitement.  I was not nervous or scared to go through labor; I was focused on the gift that was coming. I did not realize that this gift would come way before March. 

 I pictured myself looking in your eyes and introducing myself.  I pictured myself saying to you “hello my angel, I’m your mama”.  I wanted you more than anything.  I wanted to take care of you and teach you things, to see your smile and hear your laugh.  Our time was cut too short. 

I constantly reflect back to the night I met you. I am grateful for the time that I had with you.  I am grateful that I got to meet you and hold you and tell you how proud I was and how much I love you.  I wanted to give you the best life that I could and I tried my best in the little time that we had together.  Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve had to face.  I knew what destiny had in mind and I didn’t want to make you suffer in order to have more time with you.  I knew that you were going with God and that you would be safe.  So that night that I lost you I said “Go with God my angel, I’m going to be ok”, “I am so proud of you and I’ll always love you”.  Thank you for the joy that you gave me.  For the love that you’ve made me feel.  For the happiness I experienced and the connection we made.  I will treasure those memories for the rest of my life and I will carry you with me.  Life did not turn out the way that I wanted but I do not regret one moment.  I would do it all over again if I could just to be with you. 

Until we meet again my angel
Love,
Your mama

"Loving you is easy, i do it every day, missing you is a heartache that never goes away"

                                           

 

 

Denver Children's Home

My Evangeline

I have a great love for you.  The absolute purest love I've ever felt.  It's extremely hard to have the love of a parent and no baby to share it with.  This love is a gift that you gave me.  And I decided to share this gift with those that need it the most.  There are children who suffer every day and sometimes at the hands of their parents.  In your honor I wanted to show love to those children.  The Denver Children's Home provides a home for children with a difficult life.  I know that I would have given you the best life that I could.  And I still want to honor that.  In your name, family and friends all came together to buy much needed supplies for them.  I am touched and humbled by the amount of support we have received.  They did this to show their love too and it's incredible. God gave us the feeling of love so that we could share it with others.  The love that you left behind is all consuming. My plan is to  continue to impact the lives of these children as best I can.  They will know you through me.

I love you more than I can ever say

Until we meet again my angel
Love,
Your mama