My Evangeline
I was remembering what it was like for me last Halloween. I wore a costume showing off the little baby that was growing inside me. For a lot of people at work that was the first time they found out I was carrying you. I was so happy to be celebrating with my baby girl. We passed out candy together and although in the back of my mind I could tell something was wrong, I enjoyed it. We had a scary movie going on tv, ate some pizza and greeted the kids. I told you that from there on out it would be me and you passing out candy. Of course eventually I would be taking you out to get candy. That thought brought I warm feeling over me and still does.
I had no idea how different this year would turn out to be. No idea. I have mixed feelings at times because I feel the great loss but I also feel joy knowing that you are with God. It's so strange to have those two things at the same time. It can send my emotions in all types of directions. But I pray about it and somehow God brings me peace. However I know that I will miss you until I see you again. I'll continue to keep your memory with me and the joy that you gave me.
Love always,
Your mama
Friday, October 31, 2014
Friday, October 17, 2014
Remembering "It's a girl!!"
My Evangeline,
One year ago today I had my doctor appointment to reveal what your gender was. I wanted to surprise my family with it so I decided to throw a gender reveal party. Your awesome Godmother decided that it should be a surprise for me too. So when the doctor saw what your gender was she did not let me know and instead called your Godmother. She also gave me your picture in a sealed envelope for me to open at the party. I was so anxiously waiting for the party. I wanted to start calling you baby girl or baby boy instead of just baby. Have I mentioned how awesome your Godmother is? Well, if you don't already know this will prove it. For my surprise she bought pink balloons and placed them in a box. She also got blue and pink cupcakes with pink filling inside all of them. When the time came to reveal you I opened the box and out flew the pink balloons. We were all so excited and thrilled! Everyone took a guess on what you were and they were wearing either a mustache for a boy or red lips for a girl. I have to say that this was the best day of my life at that point. I finally knew what little bundle of joy I was carrying was. I was so proud of my baby girl, the little baby girl that tickled me in the afternoons when she felt playful. The little baby girl that felt it wasn't time to reveal who she was at 13 weeks so she teased the nurse. That was a great day and I will never forget.
Knowing what I lost still hurts very much and I am sure that if I think of it long enough I will break down. But I am also at peace because I know you are with the Lord. I know you are happy, loved and very well taken care of. And I know that you changed the course of my life completely and helped set me free. The next few weeks were the beginning of my worst nightmare last year. This year I will go through them with confidence in who you are and what your purpose was for me.
I love you my baby girl,
Your mama
One year ago today I had my doctor appointment to reveal what your gender was. I wanted to surprise my family with it so I decided to throw a gender reveal party. Your awesome Godmother decided that it should be a surprise for me too. So when the doctor saw what your gender was she did not let me know and instead called your Godmother. She also gave me your picture in a sealed envelope for me to open at the party. I was so anxiously waiting for the party. I wanted to start calling you baby girl or baby boy instead of just baby. Have I mentioned how awesome your Godmother is? Well, if you don't already know this will prove it. For my surprise she bought pink balloons and placed them in a box. She also got blue and pink cupcakes with pink filling inside all of them. When the time came to reveal you I opened the box and out flew the pink balloons. We were all so excited and thrilled! Everyone took a guess on what you were and they were wearing either a mustache for a boy or red lips for a girl. I have to say that this was the best day of my life at that point. I finally knew what little bundle of joy I was carrying was. I was so proud of my baby girl, the little baby girl that tickled me in the afternoons when she felt playful. The little baby girl that felt it wasn't time to reveal who she was at 13 weeks so she teased the nurse. That was a great day and I will never forget.
Knowing what I lost still hurts very much and I am sure that if I think of it long enough I will break down. But I am also at peace because I know you are with the Lord. I know you are happy, loved and very well taken care of. And I know that you changed the course of my life completely and helped set me free. The next few weeks were the beginning of my worst nightmare last year. This year I will go through them with confidence in who you are and what your purpose was for me.
I love you my baby girl,
Your mama
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Today marks the end of a chapter
My Evangeline,
Today is the day that I am legally free and divorced. Although I feel that I've already started over and began a new life, today officially marks the end of a big chapter in my life. I am not sad, angry or resentful. Instead I look at those years with gratitude for what I learned from them. There were good memories and lessons that I will take with me going forward. I pray that this will also help your dad move forward and begin a new life. I pray for his salvation too. It ended in an explosive manner but also with a sweet gift, you. God has his hand in my life and I've come to the realization of how much he loves me. Sending you not only set me free but showed me what real love is. It showed me a glimpse of how he loves us. I hope that everyone can experience that love in some way.
Going through this process has been a roller coaster to say the least. I have never felt more unstable. What is great is that this whole time God has been with me, guiding me and in fact I was stabilized by him. It was my emotions that were unstable. I don't feel bad about that because I know given all that has happened it is normal to be over emotional. I also know that God will and has healed me. The strength I have comes from him. The perseverance and love that I have comes from him. I would have never known who he is had I not gone through what I did. I am grateful. I look forward with new perspective and new realization.
Love,
your mama
Today is the day that I am legally free and divorced. Although I feel that I've already started over and began a new life, today officially marks the end of a big chapter in my life. I am not sad, angry or resentful. Instead I look at those years with gratitude for what I learned from them. There were good memories and lessons that I will take with me going forward. I pray that this will also help your dad move forward and begin a new life. I pray for his salvation too. It ended in an explosive manner but also with a sweet gift, you. God has his hand in my life and I've come to the realization of how much he loves me. Sending you not only set me free but showed me what real love is. It showed me a glimpse of how he loves us. I hope that everyone can experience that love in some way.
Going through this process has been a roller coaster to say the least. I have never felt more unstable. What is great is that this whole time God has been with me, guiding me and in fact I was stabilized by him. It was my emotions that were unstable. I don't feel bad about that because I know given all that has happened it is normal to be over emotional. I also know that God will and has healed me. The strength I have comes from him. The perseverance and love that I have comes from him. I would have never known who he is had I not gone through what I did. I am grateful. I look forward with new perspective and new realization.
Love,
your mama
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