Happy birthday

My Evangeline Ailey

Today is your birthday. All of the emotions from this last week was leading up to this day. I was thinking last night how strange emotions can be. No matter how hard I try to contain them, and be at peace, they get away from me at times. I don't know why I try to contain them. Maybe because I don't want to negatively affect those around me. But the truth is I need to let them out, so I did. I have joy because I know you are with God and at the same time I have sadness because you are not with me. How can I not be emotional? Those are two strong and different emotions that I have. I prayed about it knowing that God hears me and understands. This incredible experience has led to an increase in my understanding of him. I know what it is like to love without expectation. I know what it is like to surrender the person you swore to protect. And I know what longing to be reunited is.

The night I said goodbye I asked God for his help. I also asked for him to help me get to know my savior more. I read in the bible that the Lord longs to be reunited with us. We are a part of him and he anxiously waits for the day we can be together. Because of you I know exactly how he feels. You are a part of me. I thought that by reading the bible and studying all that I could I would get to know him more. I now realize that he is using my life experience to show me who he is. You are such a big part in that. On the day you passed not only were you united with the Lord, so was I. We both received a gift that day. Now I have to focus on his purpose for my life. For someone like me the concept of focusing on oneself can be very hard. But thanks to the guidance I receive I know that I can do it. I am not sure where my life is going and that is ok. What I do know is that God is completely involved and knowing that gives me strength and motivation.

After I let out my emotions and prayed I came to a conclusion. Your purpose was straight to the point and you accomplished it. Now it is my turn to take my life in the direction God leads me. This is the last letter that I will write you. All that I needed to say has been said and this past year has healed me. I do not wish to stay in sorrow because I want to rejoice in our salvation. I want to rejoice in the love I have come to know. I have accepted your purpose and that you are no longer here. You are with God and I know one day we will meet again. Until then I will continue to grow and learn from him. My purpose has yet to be realized. I look forward to my future with joy in my soul and strength in my bones :) This isn't the end all.

Until we meet again my sweet baby,
Love your mama

 

 

 

This was sent by your awesome Godmother.

 



 

Last Halloween

My Evangeline

I was remembering what it was like for me last Halloween.  I wore a costume showing off the little baby that was growing inside me.  For a lot of people at work that was the first time they found out I was carrying you.  I was so happy to be celebrating with my baby girl.  We passed out candy together and although in the back of my mind I could tell something was wrong, I enjoyed it.  We had a scary movie going on tv, ate some pizza and greeted the kids.  I told you that from there on out it would be me and you passing out candy.  Of course eventually I would be taking you out to get candy.  That thought brought I warm feeling over me and still does. 

I had no idea how different this year would turn out to be.  No idea.  I have mixed feelings at times because I feel the great loss but I also feel joy knowing that you are with God.  It's so strange to have those two things at the same time.  It can send my emotions in all types of directions.  But I pray about it and somehow God brings me peace.  However I know that I will miss you until I see you again.  I'll continue to keep your memory with me and the joy that you gave me.

Love always,
Your mama

Remembering "It's a girl!!"

My Evangeline,

One year ago today I had my doctor appointment to reveal what your gender was. I wanted to surprise my family with it so I decided to throw a gender reveal party. Your awesome Godmother decided that it should be a surprise for me too. So when the doctor saw what your gender was she did not let me know and instead called your Godmother. She also gave me your picture in a sealed envelope for me to open at the party. I was so anxiously waiting for the party. I wanted to start calling you baby girl or baby boy instead of just baby. Have I mentioned how awesome your Godmother is? Well, if you don't already know this will prove it. For my surprise she bought pink balloons and placed them in a box. She also got blue and pink cupcakes with pink filling inside all of them. When the time came to reveal you I opened the box and out flew the pink balloons. We were all so excited and thrilled! Everyone took a guess on what you were and they were wearing either a mustache for a boy or red lips for a girl. I have to say that this was the best day of my life at that point. I finally knew what little bundle of joy I was carrying was. I was so proud of my baby girl, the little baby girl that tickled me in the afternoons when she felt playful. The little baby girl that felt it wasn't time to reveal who she was at 13 weeks so she teased the nurse. That was a great day and I will never forget.

Knowing what I lost still hurts very much and I am sure that if I think of it long enough I will break down. But I am also at peace because I know you are with the Lord. I know you are happy, loved and very well taken care of. And I know that you changed the course of my life completely and helped set me free. The next few weeks were the beginning of my worst nightmare last year. This year I will go through them with confidence in who you are and what your purpose was for me.

I love you my baby girl,
Your mama

Today marks the end of a chapter

My Evangeline,

Today is the day that I am legally free and divorced. Although I feel that I've already started over and began a new life, today officially marks the end of a big chapter in my life. I am not sad, angry or resentful. Instead I look at those years with gratitude for what I learned from them. There were good memories and lessons that I will take with me going forward. I pray that this will also help your dad move forward and begin a new life. I pray for his salvation too. It ended in an explosive manner but also with a sweet gift, you. God has his hand in my life and I've come to the realization of how much he loves me. Sending you not only set me free but showed me what real love is. It showed me a glimpse of how he loves us. I hope that everyone can experience that love in some way.

Going through this process has been a roller coaster to say the least. I have never felt more unstable. What is great is that this whole time God has been with me, guiding me and in fact I was stabilized by him. It was my emotions that were unstable. I don't feel bad about that because I know given all that has happened it is normal to be over emotional. I also know that God will and has healed me. The strength I have comes from him. The perseverance and love that I have comes from him. I would have never known who he is had I not gone through what I did. I am grateful. I look forward with new perspective and new realization.

Love,
your mama

God's love and friends

My Evangeline,

I was thinking today about the way that God shows us love. Personally I have trouble  receiving it sometimes because it is not in physical form. I find myself wishing that I could see him and get a hug at least. I feel that way mostly when I need comfort. Well, during the darkest time of my life I needed comfort often. I still do at times. I came to the realization that God does appear and makes himself known through people. As humans we are made for relationships and fellowship. That is how God created us; to have a relationship with each other and him. I wasn't sure if he played a part in our lives but I am completely sure now.
Last year when I made a big decision to leave the firm that I loved, and the people, I did not realize what was in store for me. It was hard to leave people that I grew to know and love for many years. But I took that leap not knowing what was coming. I found out that I was pregnant with you and although that was amazing, it was also the beginning of a very traumatic time. Right around the time that I found out about you my good friend Jenna came over from the firm to work where I did. I was happy to work again with someone that was part of my EKSH family. Little did I know God had his hand in it. I am not a person that can get comfortable easily. But with Jenna I was able to share my joys about you and the fears I had. She was a firsthand witness to all that happened with you. After I lost you I was numb to say the least. I didn't return to work right away but even when I did, I couldn't look at anyone. I tried to talk as little as possible as well. I didn't feel human anymore. I felt dead inside. I had little motivation to keep going and live. It was only by Gods grace that I was able to get up every day and keep going because he knows I didn't want to anymore. Jenna was my saving grace at work. She helped me by talking to me like normal person and getting me up and out. She listened when I needed to vent and let me cry. Jenna was the only one that I could talk to at work comfortably. She stayed close to me as much as she could. Without knowing or thinking I leaned on her and she helped carry some of my weight. I shut down and closed myself off to everyone except very close family and friends. Jenna was one of those people.

Today I am stronger and am finding that I can stand on my own. Now that God knows that I am ready I believe he blessed Jenna with an amazing new opportunity and more. Today was her last day here at work. I am sad because I will miss her. But I also feel blessed that I had the opportunity to have someone in my daily life to help me keep going. I am blessed to have a friend that cracks me up like no other. Even when it was hard, she found a way to make me laugh.

Love comes from God and we see it shine in people.  I am grateful to him and to my friend Jenna.

Love,
your mama

Ailey bear

My Ailey,

I received your "Molly bear" yesterday.  It is the cutest little bear with a minney mouse dress and made to weigh as much as you did.  I am also participating in a walk for NILMDTS next weekend with family and friends in your memory.  All of this makes me happy but also reminds me of what happened and that you are gone.  I keep thinking about how I felt when I was told you weren't going to make it.  I keep remembering the feeling of deep pain and the horrible realization that I could not do anything to stop it.  Not one thing.  It is awful and something I will carry with me.  But I also remember the time that God allowed us to have with you.  We were told we weren't going to get that time with you but we did.  It was the best two hours of my life and I treasure it.  As your anniversary approaches I am sure that I will be filled with joyful memories as well as painful ones.  But I will rejoice in your memory and in God.  And I will remember your purpose and be grateful for what I was given.

I love you baby,
your mama

Restoring the old me

My Evangeline,

Yesterday I came to an amazing realization that I am incredibly grateful for.  My caring nature for others has been returned to me.  After I lost you I lost the ability to feel happiness for others.  I never wished anything bad but I couldn't share in their happiness.  It was really scary for me because no matter what terrible times I had been through, I never felt that way before.  I felt dead inside with no joy at all.  I was scared and honestly I think I scared my family too!  I prayed to God for him to restore that ability in me.  He answered my prayer.  I genuinely feel happiness and share in the joy of others again.  The relief that I feel is unexplainable.  I also realized that since love comes from God, I will never lose that ability.  He will keep showing me the way and restore whatever this life breaks.  I wish that I could share this love with you.  Hopefully in some way I am.

Love,
your mama

Missing you

My Evangeline,

Yesterday was a hard day.  All of the emotions of my missing you surfaced and I couldn't contain them.  I know that you are with God and I will see you again but it does not take away the fact that I miss you.  I began to clean up a room that had things from the past in it.  In there I found clothes that I had worn with you. I found the outfit that I wore the last day that we shared as a "normal day".  We went out to eat with your Godmother and shopped.  It was a great day.  I couldn't stand to look at the outfit for too long.  It hurt too much.  It was like looking at something that you had worn.  I don't know that I will ever be able to let go of that outfit.  For now, I won't worry about it because I know God will lead me there when the time is right.  I thought about the first time that I felt you kick.  Those memories are so tender and sweet to me.  I am grateful that I was able to experience that and able to know you.  Yesterday was a bad day but I know that because of God sending you into my life I will have many more good days to look forward to.  Even so, I will miss you until I see you again.

Love,
your mama

The final step is complete

My Evangeline,

The final step of our journey together is complete.  Your stone was placed with you this past weekend.  I wasn't sure how I would feel when I saw it done.  A rush of emotions came over me.  I felt sadness knowing that this was the final phase to our journey together.  But I also felt joy knowing that you had your stone with you.  I know that you are in the Lords hands and that is what the stone is reflecting.  It makes me happy that it is yours.
I think about all of the trials and heart aches that I've had to face in my life.  All of those experiences really took a toll on my self-confidence and outlook on what I am worth.  But our Father knew my worth and never let me go even when I turned away from him.  Having gone through the most tragic experience of them all, losing you, presented an opportunity for me to remake myself.  I no longer see myself as a door mat that people use.  I look back at those experiences with strength and courage knowing that with God I can get through the most terrible times.  I have seen the face of evil, been through the darkest moments and had the most terrifying reality.  But God not once left my side and pulled me up to keep going.  I don't think I realize the strength that I have or really appreciate it.  I am more confident than I have been and although I waiver here and there I will keep growing.  You can decide to keep letting bad experiences beat you down or you can decide to face them and learn from them.  I choose the latter and it all started with you my angel. 

Of course it will never be goodbye for us.  I know I will be with you again.

Love,
your mama

Spirit lead me

In the last few weeks I have struggled but I've also been growing in my faith with full force. I've prayed to God for guidance and he has answered me with clarity that I can't overlook. He has made it abundantly clear that I need to rest in him. I need to rest in what he has already done for me and that he loves me. His love is all that I need in this life and the love of others is really a bonus. It can be hard to accept that God, the creator of the universe perfect in his love, loves me. I am not worthy but he loves me anyway. How can that not be overwhelming? It is but I am also honored and love him in return. I am starting to get to know who he is and what I mean to him. He energizes my life and fills me up. The people his works through have also been great influences in my life. I am grateful. This song perfectly describes how I feel about God. It is in your darkest most hopeless moments that you reach for God.  A good friend told me that when you are in those moments you are finally able to hear what God has been trying to tell you.  In my case that is absolutely true.  It was only when I had nothing left to hold on to that I was able to see that Christ is the only one I can lean on and the only one that can pick me up again.  I will not lose sight of the gift and knowledge that he has given me.

Rejoicing

My Evangeline,

This week has been a roller coaster. I have been trying to gain control of my emotions and not stress out. As I am growing in my faith words that I've heard before have a new meaning. Yesterday I was reading a book on how feelings can really impact your way of thinking. As a sat there on my porch I looked up to take in the view. I realized that the peace and comfort that I longed for was given to me. I am no longer in a chaotic environment. I don't think that I realized that before. I am free and that part of my life has passed. I have the freedom now to be my own person and not have to carry all of the weight. Knowing that God loves me enough to not only never leave my side, but also pull me out of a situation that was completely wrong. His love is overwhelming. I prayed for him to save me and he did. Not in the way that I thought he would but in the way he knew was best. This morning I started to think of how lucky I am to have him and know that this is not the end. This is just the beginning of my journey with him. I actually learned the true meaning of rejoicing in what he has done. I am saved through Christ and it doesn't stop there. He is guiding my life and like a father, he loving watches over me. The troubles in this life are temporary but his love is eternal. I am growing my angel and I'll never forget that you were the start of all of it.  My blessing are more than I realize sometimes.


Love,
Your mama

Crashing once again

My Evangeline,


Once again I crashed and am feeling pretty low. I was finally starting to gain strength and be happy but my fear of losing never went away. It's hard not to fear loss when you've already lost everything. I lost everything that meant a great deal to me, especially you. The only one that I did not lose was the Lord. If it wasn't for him I would be lost completely. I am struggling with getting over the fact that loss will continue to come my way. I've had so much pain that the thought of more pain paralyzes me. What frustrates me is that I know that whatever comes my way the Lord will get me through it. I completely know this to be true from experience. But I am being a coward and not wanting to suffer anymore. The moment that something good comes into my life I begin to brace myself for the day that it leaves. And when it does, I hate myself for having expected it. You can't go through loss and pain unscathed. And I fear that I will come out of this with fear that I cannot overcome. I pray to God every day for strength, healing, comfort and peace. I need to be able to face life again without fear. Because the truth is tomorrow may never come and I spent today in dread of what may not happen. I realize that I am irrational and that what I've been through left some deep wounds and impacted my way of thinking. I am learning to take it one day at a time and understand what I need to work through. My experiences left damage that is surfacing. Maybe this is the Lords way of showing me what damage I have so that he can begin to help me heal. I am grateful that I am aware of this because I know that this is the first step to healing. Keep me in your prayers my baby. I thought I was over storm and it turns out I am still in the middle of it. But I see something that I did not see before, a light at the end of it.

My love for you I do not question and it motivates me to keep going.

Love,
Your mama

God deserves the praise

My Evangeline,

I had a reunion with my fellow grieving parents yesterday.   I hadn't seen the group in a while and I didn't realize how much I missed them.  Every single person said that I looked great.  Kim,  one of the facilitators, told me that I was her hero.  I told her that it's not my strength it's the Lords.  I wouldn't be standing if it weren't for him.  Losing you would have been the end of me if it wasn't for my faith.  Kim also has faith and knows what I am talking about.  She mentioned that there are women how are 10 plus years out and still have not recovered.  I can see that being the case without having the Lord.  I praise him because he never left my side and sent you to rescue me.  Then he helped me get up and keep going, and he still does.  There are days when I crash and my emotions spin out of control.  But the next day I get back up again and keep going and it's all because of him.  It weird, I know that he has always been with me but I couldn't feel it.  Now I do.  I feel his love and his watchful eye guiding me.  I know that you know who he is and are with him.  I hope that you are proud that I am starting to know who he is as well.

I love you my baby,
Your mama

Another milestone

My Evangeline,

I passed a couple of milestones this past weekend. It was one year ago that we had taken a trip to Cancun. You were just a tiny little baby with me on the beach and in the ocean. I was essentially alone but not completely. You were with me and I did my best to enjoy the vacation with you. I spent this weekend with friends and family. I had a great time but you were not far from my thoughts.

There are chapters in my life that I realize I need to close. I started to go through old clothes that no longer fit me and I don't wear. Some of those clothes I wore with you. It was very emotionally hard to gather those things and give them away. It's another step in my accepting that you are gone, that our time together ended. It doesn't mean that I will ever stop loving you, it's not possible. But it does mean that I need to close that chapter in my life and let you be at peace. Step by step I am healing and letting out the pain that I still have.  The pain that will probably never go away but I know it cannot be ignored. I know that I need to go through the pain in order to find peace.

I love you and miss you every day,

Your mama

Remembering the positive test

My Evangeline, 

This past Sunday marks a year since I found out I was pregnant with you.  I remember thinking that it was a possibility since my period was acting weird.  I was scared of taking the test because I didn't want to be let down if it was negative.  When the two lines appeared I couldn't believe it so I took another one.  Sure enough that one came back positive too. I've heard parents describe a since of fear when the find out.  Not me, I felt a rush of strength and I thought to myself "Ok, I am ready".   From that moment you became my priority.  I was ready and determined to take care of you.  My prayer was answered and our journey had begun. 
A week later we went to Cancun and you came along with me.  I was fully aware of you and began to picture my life with you.  I was happy to be on the beach with my little baby growing inside me.  I walked on the beach, swam in the ocean and ate good food with you on my mind.  I decided to use the beach and the ocean as a back drop for my announcement to your grandparents. I took a picture of the word "Bebe" written on the beach and showed them.  Needless to say they loved it.  The wait to meet you began for them and for your uncles and aunty.  Excitement and anticipation filled everyone's heart. You were loved right off the bat my angel.  I'll never forget those beautiful moments and feelings.
I look back at that time with sadness but also joy.  It's easy to get preoccupied with the grief and forget the joy.  That was one of the best moments of my life.  I am blessed to have experienced that and to be your mom.  I can't forget the love that you gave me and I won't.

I love you my baby,
Your mama

Around this time last year...

My Evangeline,

It was about this time last year that you were making your home in my belly.  I had no idea you were there but I had been praying for you for a very long time.  This weekend is very hard for me.  Thinking that just a year ago my time with you was about to begin.  I am remembering the joy that I felt with you.  No one has ever touched my heart the way that you have.  At that time I thought that my prayer would never be answered.  Little did I know that it was not only answered but an amazing soul was going to present itself to me.  It's only been a year but it feels like a life time ago.  This has by far been the longest year of my life.  These next six months will be hard but will also bring joy.  I am going to do my best to remember every moment that we shared and all the love that you gave me.

I miss you so so much

Love,
Your mama

Your memorial

My Evangeline,

I received notice today stating that the design for your memorial is ready. My heart dropped. It's strange, although I know that you are in heaven the thought of your memorial really hurts. When I was at the designer's office I felt a huge blow to my heart when he said your name. The thought that I won't have you in my future has sunk in but the fact that I lost you still very much hurts. Part of me does not want to finish the memorial because it signifies finishing my chapter with you. But I have to honor you and give you the memorial that you deserve. I will never love another human being more than you. You are a precious part of me that cannot be replaced. I am honored to be your mom. I will hold on to the tender love you gave me and with God's help use it as fuel to keep going.

I love you,
your mama

Finding myself

My Evangeline,


When you were with me I was confident in who I was, I was your mom. My purpose was to take care of you and share my life with you. Although life around me was unstable, I personally was stable because I knew who I was. Now that life around me is stable, I am not stable. I am not sure of who I am but I do know my purpose. Because of God revealing himself to me, I know that my purpose is to have a relationship with him. To know who he is and who I am in his eyes. I am more than a daughter or a friend, I am his creation and made in his image. I've struggled a lot this week with the realization that I've been rejected by people and how that has impacted me. Those wounds were there but I did not realize how deep they were until now. They really have affected who I've been and how I act. I've been praying to God for his help through this and what I've heard is that he accepts me and will never reject me. He has never left me and never will. That is why it is important for me to get to know him more. He will give me the strength and self-confidence that I need to heal. When I had you I was confident because I had to be in order to be the best mom that I could. Now that you are not with me, I am struggling with that because I have no motivation but myself. What a concept it is to be your own motivation and God being the driver of it. I have the desire to go where God wants me to and this is what I being revealed.  I no longer have to please people in order to gain their acceptance.  I am accepted by God and that is all that will ever matter.  Thanks to you my angel, I am finding myself in God.


I love you so very much,
Your mama

Growing in faith

My Evangeline,

Most of my focus lately has been on growing in my faith through knowledge of what God has done for us and what he has said. I've always believed in what Jesus has done for us but I never really surrendered myself to him. The moment that I realized that I was going to lose you I was faced with a choice. It was clear as day. I could either lose my faith and my mind along with it, or I could grow in my faith and hang on to God. I knew that there was no way that I could get through this alone. I also knew that there was nothing anyone could do to help me. That is why I only had those two choices. Without a second thought I leaned on God and surrendered you to him as well as myself. He has helped me through bad situations before and I knew that he would help me through this. Although I did not want to give you up, I knew that I had no control over that and I surrendered you to him. I knew that he would take you in his arms and you would be in the best care that anyone can receive.

Since this realization, I have been searching for a way to grow in my faith. I have prayed for God to guide me in my growth. The answer that I've received over and over is that in order to grow I need to gain knowledge. Knowledge of what he has said and done. This way I can get to know who he is and who I am in him. In this process I have met great people that are on the same journey. We all have the desire to know our God and are humbled by the love he has for us. It has been really exciting and mind blowing for me. There are so many versus that speak to me in the bible.

One of them is this "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we^[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. ⁶ You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷ Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. ⁸ But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans Chapter 5

It can be hard to believe how much God loves us when we feel so unworthy. I personally have felt that I have not done anything to earn his love so how could he love me. But every time that I have that feeling I think of you. From the moment that I saw you as a small tiny fetus I loved you. I heard your little heart beating and you completely captured mine. I would have given my life for you right then and there. You did not have to do one thing to earn my love, you just existed. That is how God loves us and he did give his life for us. I am so very humbled and grateful for that. It makes me want to get to know him more.

This is one of the many reasons why you were my blessing. I know God sent you to pull me back to him because I was lost. You are my Evangeline.


I love you
Your mama

Mother's Day without you

My Evangeline,

Mother's Day came and went without any real surprises. It was a yet another reminder that you are not with me anymore. It was an emotional day but there were good moments in it too. I was able to smile and laugh but I still had a heavy heart knowing that I don't get to see you. For me that day really wasn't about me, it was about you. So I celebrated knowing that you are in heaven with God, knowing that you are happy and safe. I wish that I could hold you and give you love but that wish is every day. I guess what I am saying is that Mother's Day was no different. I love you and I miss you every single day. But I am grateful that on that day I received the love and support that I really needed. That those closest to me recognized you and the loss we all feel. Sometimes remembering that I am not alone in this is all that I need.


Until we meet again my angel
Love always,
Your mama

Faith

My Evangeline,


Today is a hard day. It has been six months since I saw you last. I've been getting by pretty good but the pain does not go away. It's just a part of me now and today it surfaced. In my soul I know that you are alive in heaven and receiving the best love that we could ever hope for. But that does not take away the fact that I miss you and I wish that I could give you my love. My faith has strengthened because of you. You pointed me back to God. I know that there is no way that I could continue with my life, and find myself, without God by my side. Although he has given me a lot, I pray that he lets you know how much I love you and how much I miss you. I hope that through him you can feel it. So much has happened in these last six months and my life is completely different. I am headed in the right direction now. To say that I love you is a huge understatement. You have my heart.


Until we meet again my angel
Love,
Your mama

Heaven is for real

My Evangeline,

I recently heard about this book and movie. I fellow angel mom suggested that I read this book because it talks about babies that have passed away. This little boy Colton has a major medical complication that nearly took his life. During this time he went to heaven and met a sister that he did not know he had. He came back and told his parents that he met her. His sister was still born and his parents never mentioned her. This immediately caught my attention. I know that you are in heaven and I don't need confirmation. But I want so badly to be close to you. So I thought, why not get a glimpse of where you are and what you see. I just finished the book and I had to fight back tears while reading it. Colton says that he saw lots of children and they Jesus pays special attention to them. He describes heaven in such a beautiful way. He also said that his sister sought him out and introduced herself. That she is waiting to be reunited with her family. Words cannot describe how happy that made me, knowing that you are there, in heaven receiving love from Jesus. I am so incredibly humbled to know that my baby is getting the best love that there is. I am also humbled thinking that you are waiting for me. I am looking forward to the day that we meet again. I am going to hold you so tight and I won't let you go. Our time on earth was short but I know that we have an eternity to look forward to. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to see a bit of what you see through this amazing little boy.

I love you

Until we meet again my angel

Your mama

 

Slowly accepting

My Evangeline,
It has been a while since I wrote you.  My life has been in the fast lane lately.  This has helped me gain strength and slowly accept that you are not here.  Accepting does not mean that I am fine with it. I would give up everything to have you with me.  Accepting means that I know you came for a purpose and you served it well.  Now you are being rewarded in heaven and waiting for me.  Until the day comes that I get to hold you again, I will live my life to the fullest. Remembering the sweet love and memory that you left behind.  I think that in the beginning you were with me all of the time, now I feel that you've gone but pop in once in a while.  I hope that you keep popping in and that I make you proud.  You have my heart my angel.  Keep it safe as long as you see fit.  It's because of God that I was blessed with such a strong, inspiring little girl.  You give me strength.

I went to visit our family in Mexico.  Although at times it was really tough to connect and participate, I am glad that I went.  I needed to face what happened with my family that means so much to me.  I know that they hurt because of our circumstance and it's hard to see that hurt on their faces.  But it's love that keeps us together and makes us feel the pain of others.  I know that love was being sent your way all the way from Mexico.  And I know that you touched all of them as well.

I try not to think about where we should be right now.  For example, that you should be two months old and in my arms.  I don't think about it because I know it's not a possibility anymore.  I know that our time together on this earth was spent and you gave me enough love to last a life time.  I will love you the rest of my life.  Those six months with you will stay with me.  I am grateful for the opportunity that I was given to know you.   I am so thankful to God for sending you.  YOU CHANGED MY LIFE.  I cannot be more proud or love my baby girl more.

I love you my angel

Until we meet again,
Your mama

Your impact

My Evangeline,

You continue to touch many hearts and make me so very proud.  For your due date family and friends came together to support the Denver Children's Home.  This is a home for children that are orphans, have been abused, and/or have mental disabilities.  I decided to help them in your memory because I never got the opportunity to give you the best life I could.  Your sweet Grandma mentioned this to her co-workers.  This spring they decided to organize a drive for these children.  I am so very humbled and blessed by you.  You have touched and continue to touch people, more importantly, children with needs.  I love you more than words can ever say.  I am so very proud of my baby girl.  Keep doing your work here on earth angel, I will support you every step of the way.

Until we meet again
Love,
Your mama

 

5 months since I held you

My Evangeline,

It has been five months since I held you and kissed your cute face.  I still miss you every day.  I've been able to rejoice in your memory and not cry as often.  Remembering you brings my joy and happiness.  I've said this before but I am blessed for having known you.  I was blessed with the time we had together.  I'm pulling myself up out of the darkness and showing the light that you gave me.  I wish very much that I could share my life with you.  And maybe in some way I am.  You are in my heart always and never far from my thoughts.  I have a new found excitement for life that I did not have before.  And I know it's because of you and the love you showed me.  I just pray that you know how much you mean to me and how lucky I feel to be your mama.  I'll see you in my dreams my angel.

Until we meet again

Love always,
your mama

Brotherly love

My brother sent me this poem that his girlfriend found.  They have been very sweet and supportive.  It is what I needed to hear <3  It's sweet that they recognize my pain and try to bring me comfort as best they can, it means more to me than I can say.

My dream

My Evangeline,

As you know I talk to you every night. For a while I was asking you to give me some type of sign that you could hear me. I've heard of other angel mommies having received signs from their babies and I wanted the same to happen to me. After asking for a while nothing happened. So, I decided to change my tune. Instead of me being selfish, trying to make myself happy, I decided to ask what I really wanted to know. I said "ok baby, I just want to know that you are ok and happy. “That is all that I need". That night I had a dream that I was at a park and it was a beautiful, perfect day. I saw a little girl about 4 years old in a summer dress running, laughing and playing with other kids. Her brown hair was in a ponytail and she had big cheeks that embraced her smile. I called out your name Evangeline, and then I woke up. I believe that you came to me to show me that you are happy and safe. You looked like you were well taken care of and were having the best time. I am sure that your friends are other angels as well, with mommies here on earth longing for them.

I am very heart broken that I can't be with you and share happy moments.  But I am grateful that you are happy and safe.  Knowing that will have to be enough for me to keep going.  I will take this pain that I feel so that you can live in peace and joy.  I love you more than I even know.  My heart is with you and transcends this world into yours.

Until we meet again my angel

Love,
Your mama

Angel mommies

Throughout this experience I've met amazing people that have helped me along the way. None have been more amazing than my fellow angel mommies. It is so incredible to me that during their darkest and desperate moments, they reach out and give comfort to others. I was visiting my angel over the weekend and was approached by a mom, who is also named Ana. She lost her baby girl at 36 weeks in December. Ana was visiting her baby Isabelle and decided to come over to speak with me. She invited me to a gathering in honor of our angels. She and her husband want to honor the angels at Mt. Olivet. It was endearing to see love in Ana's eyes and receive comfort from her. I was so humbled because I know the pain that she feels and yet she is reaching out and helping others. Shortly after, another angel mommy came by to wish me a good day.

It reminded me that out of tragedy God creates good. It's easy for us to blame God when bad things happen because we want to put the blame on something, anything. But I've often thought, what if God doesn't cause these things to happen, they just do. It is the world that we live in; but God can and does create good out of really bad situations.

My journey has brought me closer to some of the most amazing people in this world. I am so very grateful for their love and support. It is not easy to give love when your heart is absolutely broken.  There is nothing like a person who's heart is shattered and somehow scrapes up all of the pieces to continue to give love.

Without Evangeline I would have never had the opportunity to be in their presence. There is a reason why they are referred to as warrior moms.

 

Desperate feeling

My Evangeline

I have so much love for you and I wasn't given enough time to share it.  Maybe there is no amount of time that would ever be enough.  But I definitely feel like our time was cut short.  Love doesn't go away just because your gone.  Sometimes it fuels my life but other times it makes me want to run to where ever you are.  I want to find you and hold you one more time.  It's a very desperate feeling.  No one should ever have to say goodbye to their baby.  I am trying to hold on to my faith that God brings out good from bad situations.  One thing that I know for sure is that he is the only reason I am still standing.   Because losing you has completely shattered my heart and rocked my soul.  I cannot do this without him and your memory keeps motivated to keep going.

Until we meet again my angel
Love,
Your mama

Padre Tomas

My Evangeline,

Heaven gained another beautiful spirit.  Father Tomas impacted my life in the best way.  I grew up listening to his teachings and it was because of him that I learned about God.  When I found out I was pregnant with you I decided to raise you a Catholic for that very reason.  I wanted you to grow up knowing God and I wanted to share my experience with you.  I grew up being around Father Tomas often but I never approached him directly.  I have an enormous amount of respect for him and I felt unworthy.  However, he would make comments to me here and there that made me feel like he noticed me.  It had been a very long time since I had seen him.  The night that you earned your wings your grandma called him.  I wasn't sure if he would come because it was really late and grandma left a message in the general mail box.  He came that next morning.  Father Tomas met you and baptized you.  I felt so honored that he heard the message and came out of his way to be with us.  I already knew that Father Tomas was heaven sent but this just confirmed it for me again.  He said that he knew you were in heaven and that knowing this should bring us comfort. He gave me hope and peace in a moment of despair.  I am very fortunate to have had someone like Father Tomas in my life.  And I am fortunate that God gave me the opportunity to share him with you.  I don't know if you've seen him yet but when you do you'll know what I was talking about.

I love you

Until we meet again my angel,
Your mama

I wasn't cheated..... I was blessed

Sometimes I forget of the blessing that I received.  I am so consumed with grief and longing, that I get caught in self pity.  I get wrapped up and what I don't have instead of remembering what I do have.  I don't want to live my life wishing I had more.  I constantly ask God for forgiveness because I feel like I am being ungrateful for what he gave me.  I prayed for him to send me an angel and he did.  I prayed for him to give me more time with her and he did.  How could I forget the treasure that he gave me?  I don't like the person that I am sometimes. This road has been so rough that it side swipes me into darkness.  I am very grateful for my angel.  I was extremely happy during my time with her.  I was able to see her grow, move, tease the nurse and doctors and feel her kicks.  I was able to make a connection with her and I know she felt me.  I was able to see her captivate my family and then sleep like the angel that she is.  What more could I ask for?  I was not cheated out of life, I was blessed.  Remembering this is easier said then done.  I will have to keep reading this over and over as I get through my grief.  But I will make this effort because Evangeline is worth it. 

You are my light

My Evangeline Ailey,

It has been 4 months since I've seen you. Going through grief is an absolute roller coaster.  I have high moments and then I have really low ones.  I had a rough night yesterday.  I don't want to continue my life without you.  I would trade all of my hopes and dreams to have you back.  This morning I am refreshed in spirit.  And I know that it is you giving me that strength to keep going.  Having experienced your joy and light has boosted my life.  Your names fit you perfectly.  Evangeline means (messenger of good news) and Ailey means (light). I am so very thankful for having met such a beautiful soul.  Remembering that brings me joy and happiness.  I feel fortunate.  I know that I will have low moments again,  it is inevitable.  But I hope that your spirit stays with me and guides me in my life.  I love you so much it consumes my heart.

Until we meet again my angel

Love,
Your mama

Passed another milestone

Grieving the loss of your baby is difficult every day.  However when big events/triggers come up the grief can be overwhelming.  The weeks leading up to my EDD, and the day of, were really hard.  With the constant love and support from family and friends I was able to get through this milestone.  Their words and support boosted me up.  I needed a boost over and over again because it is hard to get through depression.  I found myself pulling out of it but then heading right back.  It was the words below that I received from family and friends that helped me pull out.  Even just checking in helped me get through it.  Today I am feeling at peace and I am thankful for the support and patience. 

"You are a great mom and Evangeline is a lucky little girl"
"Evangeline fought hard because she loves you as her mom"
"I was honored to have met her, thank you for sharing her"
"I'll never forget the moment that I held her"
"I am sad that she is gone"
"I feel your pain and am right here with you"
"She will never be forgotten"
"She's so cute and special to me"
"I think about her all of the time"
"You'll always have her, she is yours for eternity"


All of these words bring peace to me.  I can never hear them enough.  When I am down I run these conversations in my head in order to motivate myself.

Thank you for going through this journey with me and not giving up.  It will never be over but encourgagement like this helps me find peace <3

March 3rd is finally here....

My Evangeline

The long awaited month of March has arrived.   From the moment that I found out you were in my belly I wanted this month to get here so fast.  There was a fear of losing you and I wanted to fast forward to March.  I prayed every night for God to keep you safe and with me.  I wanted to wake up every morning to your cute little face.  Now that March is here and it doesn’t have the same meaning.  I thought I would be in a hospital bed waiting to meet you.  I thought about what this week would feel like, the anticipation and excitement.  I was not nervous or scared to go through labor; I was focused on the gift that was coming. I did not realize that this gift would come way before March. 

 I pictured myself looking in your eyes and introducing myself.  I pictured myself saying to you “hello my angel, I’m your mama”.  I wanted you more than anything.  I wanted to take care of you and teach you things, to see your smile and hear your laugh.  Our time was cut too short. 

I constantly reflect back to the night I met you. I am grateful for the time that I had with you.  I am grateful that I got to meet you and hold you and tell you how proud I was and how much I love you.  I wanted to give you the best life that I could and I tried my best in the little time that we had together.  Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve had to face.  I knew what destiny had in mind and I didn’t want to make you suffer in order to have more time with you.  I knew that you were going with God and that you would be safe.  So that night that I lost you I said “Go with God my angel, I’m going to be ok”, “I am so proud of you and I’ll always love you”.  Thank you for the joy that you gave me.  For the love that you’ve made me feel.  For the happiness I experienced and the connection we made.  I will treasure those memories for the rest of my life and I will carry you with me.  Life did not turn out the way that I wanted but I do not regret one moment.  I would do it all over again if I could just to be with you. 

Until we meet again my angel
Love,
Your mama

"Loving you is easy, i do it every day, missing you is a heartache that never goes away"

                                           

 

 

Denver Children's Home

My Evangeline

I have a great love for you.  The absolute purest love I've ever felt.  It's extremely hard to have the love of a parent and no baby to share it with.  This love is a gift that you gave me.  And I decided to share this gift with those that need it the most.  There are children who suffer every day and sometimes at the hands of their parents.  In your honor I wanted to show love to those children.  The Denver Children's Home provides a home for children with a difficult life.  I know that I would have given you the best life that I could.  And I still want to honor that.  In your name, family and friends all came together to buy much needed supplies for them.  I am touched and humbled by the amount of support we have received.  They did this to show their love too and it's incredible. God gave us the feeling of love so that we could share it with others.  The love that you left behind is all consuming. My plan is to  continue to impact the lives of these children as best I can.  They will know you through me.

I love you more than I can ever say

Until we meet again my angel
Love,
Your mama

Heaviness in my heart

My Evangeline

There is a strong heaviness in my heart today. As our due date approaches it gets harder and heavier. I am trying to not let it get to me because I know I will break down. I am just trying to make it to the end of the work week. I continue to wish that this was not real and that you were still with me. Not having you can be unbearable at times. I pray that God continues to give me the comfort knowing that you are in heaven, healthy and thriving. I pray that God helps me find peace. I feel so alone and empty.  Saying that this is the greatest challenge that I’ve faced is an understatement.  I know that I am only standing because of the strength I receive from God and you. 

 
Until we meet again my angel
Love,
Your mama

I miss you

My Evangeline

This week is incredibly difficult.  You should be in my belly waiting for the right time to make an appearance or in my arms.  Now, when I think of this it feels like such a dream.  I guess because I know now that it is not a possibility.  That dream has come and gone and not the way I wanted it to.  I find myself day dreaming of what it should have been like.  What it would have been like if you were still here.  Excitement and anticipation would be surrounding me instead of pain and emptiness.  I am finding it hard to release these feelings that I have because life does not let up.  It just keeps pressing on without any acknowledgement and there is not way for me to stop it.  I hope that this weekend I can dedicate the time that I need to let out what I feel. 

I miss you so much.  So much that the words "I miss you" just doesn't cover it.  Accepting what happened and the fact that I don't have you has not been easy.  It's hard to accept that you lost your baby.  How do you ever accept that?  I am doing my best my angel to honor you and keep going.  But my heart rips out of my chest over and over again.  My heart is broken, so broken that I have to really try to live.  I have moments of happiness but they don't last and they don't mend my heart.  I've never felt so broken.  You are by far the greatest loss I've ever had.  Nothing compares.  I lost a part of me that is so pure and precious.  If only I could have one wish.

I love you and I will keep doing my best to live this life.

Until we meet again my angel
Love,
your mama

IRS recognizes preemies

The IRS gained some of my respect. They recognize preemies no matter how long they lived. They will let you claim your babies. As a parent who has lost their baby I personally can say that validation of your baby is important. Although I definitely do not need validation for myself, it's great to see others recognize your baby. Filling out Evangeline's information is hard but also rewarding in the since that it confirms yet again her existence. She is leaving a mark in this world and it doesn’t matter how short her time here was, which is invaluable to me.  Not having a life time to share with her has left me grasping onto anything that I can share.  My angel will never be forgotten <3

Everything seems so trivial

My Evangeline

Everything seems so trivial right now.  I am finding it hard to care about anything.  It all just doesn’t matter.  I was on the March 2014 birth club this morning in an effort to do something that mattered.  I mainly look for any moms that might need support.  I decided to look at the birth announcements as well.  I quickly scrolled to see if any moms needed support but I couldn’t help but notice that there were a lot of babies born with estimated birth dates close to yours.  I wasn’t trying to torture myself but at the same time I want to fantasize that this could be us.  If everything was perfect you may just be in my arms right now, or within days.  I wish so badly that this was the case.  I’ve prayed for this too many times to count.  I miss you so very much.  I am trying to focus on ways to keep your memory going and ways to honor you.  Maybe if I focus hard enough on that the cruel reality won’t set in.

I have so much love for you and I am trying to find ways to release and demonstrate it.  Nothing will compare to my being able to give it to you directly but I hope you can feel it where you are.  I know that there are many babies and children in heaven with parents here on earth longing for them.  I’ve asked God that if he happens to see you pass by, to give you as much love as possible on my behalf. 

The love for your child is like no other love.  It is extremely hard to have that love and no baby to give it to.  I will try to channel that love to others on earth in your memory.

 Until we meet again my angel

Love,
Your mama

What I wouldn't give

My Evangeline

Normally thinking that your alive and well in heaven is enough to keep my going.  I picture you healthy, happy and vibrant.  Full of life,  just how you were in my belly.  Today this is not enough.  Nothing is helping me.  It's just not right that I don't have you.  It's not right that I won't see your cute little face.  It's not right that I won't be able to hold you.  It's not right that I won't be able to give you kisses.  What I wouldn't give to have all of that again.    You filled me up with your joy and enthusiasm.  I knew you had the sweetest personality.  You would get all excited when I would rub my belly after you kicked.  I still get phantom kicks.  Even my body misses you.  I miss you.  If I could only hold you again.  I will keep praying for that day.

Until we meet again my angel
Love,
Your mama

Evangeline was here

I decided to get a copy of my angel’s birth and death certificate. Although I was not looking forward to getting her death certificate, I was looking forward to having her birth certificate. I think that sometimes it is hard for everyone to remember that pregnancy loss is more than just losing your pregnancy; it's losing your baby. I want her birth certificate as a remembrance that she was here. I didn't realize how hard it would be to go through this process. As I was filing out the forms, I had to step out and take some very deep breaths in order to not have a break down in the middle of the office. There were so many parents there with their new born babies. I don't know why I did not expect that at all.

It became horrifying to me that I was there to pick up my baby's certificates without her.  I tried to ignore everyone around me as much as possible.  Soon my turn came to see the agent.  I handed him the paper work and he asked "what is your relationship to her",  I choked up as I said "She's my baby".  I immediately saw the look of sympathy take over his face.  I had to look away because I couldn't take much more.  I hung in there as best as I could. Luckily he sped up the process and I was out of there in no time.  Afterwards I let out my emotions, frustrations and decided to go visit my angel.  I had to keep reminding myself  over and over that although she is not physically with me she is alive and with me in spirit.

Then I started thinking, when I found out that I was pregnant I knew that my life would change. I had no idea that it would change like this. We all have an expectation of how the path of life should go and we lose sight of how little control we actually have. Events will happen that will change the course of your life without you expecting it. I will honor Evangeline and use her life to fuel mine and become a better, stronger person. She has had a big impact on me and I carry her with me daily. I know that she has had and will have an impact on others. Even if the impact is just a reminder that life is precious and short, to appreciate the time that we have together in this world. And that having a baby does not come easy and it is truly a gift.

I am the mother of an angel baby. To me that means that instead of me influencing and teaching her, Evangeline is influencing and teaching me.

3 months since we said goodbye

My Evangeline,

The sixth of the month is a sad reminder for me. It marks yet another month since we said goodbye. Three months have gone by and it feels like a life time. Time does fly but the time away from you drags on. It has been too long my angel. I relive that day over and over again, remembering holding you and watching you. I wish that I could go back to those hours and just stay there with you. Freeze time so that we would not have to say goodbye. I hope that it is not goodbye and that it's actually 'see you later'. I pray that God grants me that wish, that deep longing to see you again. As time goes on I am healing a bit more. I am realizing that I should celebrate your life and your rebirth into Heaven. I know that you are there and being very well taken care of. It hurts me because I wish that I would have had the opportunity to take care of your more. But I am trying not to be selfish and be grateful that my baby has the best care that anyone can receive. My pain and sacrifice is not in vain.

Until we meet again my Ailey,

Your mama <3

PPROM

My Evangeline

I received our medical reports.  It mentioned that when I bled at 11 weeks it indicated a risk of loss due to PPROM, rupture of membranes.  I feel extremely guilty because I was working out when I bled.  Although the OB said that I could work out and that what happened had nothing to do with it, I can't help but feel guilty.  The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you.  It tears me up thinking that I did.  If I could do anything to change what happened I would.  I just wanted to protect you and it hurts me to think that I may have hurt you.  I am so sorry.  Only God knows the truth.  I hope that you know how much I love you and how sorry I am.  Regardless, something went wrong in my body and I can't help but feel responsible.  Forgive me my baby.  I pray that you can feel the love that I am sending you in heaven.

I miss you so much and I love you more than I can say.

Until we meet again my angel,
Your mama

Ordered my Ailey bear

The support for parents with angel babies is incredible.  There is an organization named "Molly Bears".  In 2010 these parents lost their baby Molly.  They decided to start a nonprofit for bereaved parents.  They create bears for parents who have lost a baby. They do this in an effort to fill the void of empty arms. The weight of the bear is made to the exact weight of your baby.  They also take any special requests that you may have for your bear. 
I placed my order today for my bear.  The length will be 12 inches which mimics Evangelines length perfectly. Ailey is the middle name I picked for Evangeline.  It means light.  So I will name my bear Ailey.  The wait list is long, over a year, but I am looking forward to receiving it.  It will be so sweet to hold a bear that weighs what my angel did.  It'll be like holding her again <3

Found our place

My Evangeline,

I have been looking for a place to live since you were with me.  I wanted it to have space for us and our dog Bella.  Since we said good bye I have not looked until now.  I found a place.  I am looking forward to starting over but I am sooooo sad that you won't be there with me.  I was looking for the perfect spot and now that I found it, I don't have you.  It breaks my heart.  It feels so empty.  Now the one thing that I am looking forward to is being able to create a dedicated space for you.  Creating a space for you in our home <3

Until we meet again my angel

Love, your mama

This article touched me. I do feel like I failed, as though my body was not strong enough to keep my baby. So when we read this in group last night it really spoke to me. It made me realize that I did everything for my baby girl and am still doing everything I can for her. I am mothering my baby who passed away <3 and although that makes me feel sad it also makes me feel that I am not letting Evangeline down.  Which is the most important thing to me. 

Why You Didn’t Fail As A Mother

June 26, 2013 by Angela Miller

Help turn this essay into a beautiful gift book for grieving moms.

I have to tell you this. You didn’t fail. Not even a little.
You are not a horrible mother.
You didn’t choose this. You didn’t want this to happen. You didn’t do anything wrong. It just happened. To you. Despite your begging, pleading, praying, hoping against all hope that it would not. Even though everything within you was screaming, no no no no no no no no no no!!!!
God didn’t do this to you to punish you, smite you, or to “teach you a lesson”. That is not God’s way. You could not have prevented this if you: tried harder, prayed harder, or if you were a “better” person. Nor if you ate better, loved harder, yoga-ed more, did x, y, z to the nth degree or any other way your mind tries to fill-in-the-blank. You could not have prevented this even if you could have predicted the future like no one can.
Even if you did nothing more, you are already the best mom there is because you would have done absolutely anything to keep your child alive. To breathe your last breath to save theirs. To choose the pain all over again just to spend one more minute with them. That, is the ultimate kind of love. You are the ultimate kind of mother.
So wash your hands of any naysayers, backstabbers, or anyone who sprinted in the other direction when you needed them the most. Wash your hands of the people who may have falsely judged you, ostracized you, or stigmatized you because of what happened to you. Wash your hands of anyone who has made you feel less than by questioning everything you did or didn’t do. Those whose words or looks have implied that this was somehow your fault.
This was not your fault. This will never be your fault, no matter how many different ways someone tries to tell you it is.
And especially if that someone happens to be you. Sometimes it’s not what others are saying that keeps us shackled in shame. Sometimes we adopt others’ misguided opinions and assumptions about our situation as our own. Sometimes it’s our own inner voice that shoves us into the darkest corner of despair, like an abuser, telling us over and over and over again that we failed as mothers. That if only this and what if that, it would never have happened. That you woulda, shoulda done this or that so your child would not have died. That is a lie of the sickest kind. Do not believe it, not even for a second. Do not let it sink into your bones. Do not let it smother that beautiful, beautiful light of yours.
Instead, breathe in this truth with every part of yourself: You are the best damn mother in the entire world.
The kind of mother who people write books about. The kind who inspires the world.
No one else could do what you do. No one else could ever be your child’s mother as well as you can, as well as you are. No one else could let your child’s love and light shine through them the way you do. No one else could mother their dead child as well as you do. No one else could carry this unrelenting burden as courageously. It is the heaviest, most torturous burden there is.
You have within you a sacred strength. You are the mother of all mothers. There is no one, no one, no one that could ever, ever replace you. No one. You were chosen to be their mother. Yes– chosen. And no one could parent them better in life or in death than you do.
So breathe mama, keep breathing. Believe mama, keep believing. Fight mama, keep fighting, for this truth to uproot the lies in your heart— you didn’t fail. You are not a failure. Not even a little.
For whatever it’s worth, I see you. I hear your guttural sobs. I feel your ache deep inside my bones. And it doesn’t make me uncomfortable to put my fingers as a makeshift band-aid over the gaping hole in your heart until the scabs come, when and if they do.
It takes invincible strength to mother a child you can no longer hold, see, touch or hear. You are a superhero mama. I see you fall down and get up, fall down and get up, over and over again. I notice the grit and guts it takes to pry yourself out of bed every single day and force your bloodied feet to stand up and keep walking. I see you walking this path of life you’ve been given where every breath and step apart from your child is a physical, emotional and spiritual battleground— a fight for your own survival— a fight to quiet the insidious lies.
But the truth is– you haven’t failed at all. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
You are the mother of all mothers.
Truly the most inspiring, courageous, loving mother there is– a warrior mama through and through.
For even in their death you lovingly mother them still.