Spirit lead me

In the last few weeks I have struggled but I've also been growing in my faith with full force. I've prayed to God for guidance and he has answered me with clarity that I can't overlook. He has made it abundantly clear that I need to rest in him. I need to rest in what he has already done for me and that he loves me. His love is all that I need in this life and the love of others is really a bonus. It can be hard to accept that God, the creator of the universe perfect in his love, loves me. I am not worthy but he loves me anyway. How can that not be overwhelming? It is but I am also honored and love him in return. I am starting to get to know who he is and what I mean to him. He energizes my life and fills me up. The people his works through have also been great influences in my life. I am grateful. This song perfectly describes how I feel about God. It is in your darkest most hopeless moments that you reach for God.  A good friend told me that when you are in those moments you are finally able to hear what God has been trying to tell you.  In my case that is absolutely true.  It was only when I had nothing left to hold on to that I was able to see that Christ is the only one I can lean on and the only one that can pick me up again.  I will not lose sight of the gift and knowledge that he has given me.

Rejoicing

My Evangeline,

This week has been a roller coaster. I have been trying to gain control of my emotions and not stress out. As I am growing in my faith words that I've heard before have a new meaning. Yesterday I was reading a book on how feelings can really impact your way of thinking. As a sat there on my porch I looked up to take in the view. I realized that the peace and comfort that I longed for was given to me. I am no longer in a chaotic environment. I don't think that I realized that before. I am free and that part of my life has passed. I have the freedom now to be my own person and not have to carry all of the weight. Knowing that God loves me enough to not only never leave my side, but also pull me out of a situation that was completely wrong. His love is overwhelming. I prayed for him to save me and he did. Not in the way that I thought he would but in the way he knew was best. This morning I started to think of how lucky I am to have him and know that this is not the end. This is just the beginning of my journey with him. I actually learned the true meaning of rejoicing in what he has done. I am saved through Christ and it doesn't stop there. He is guiding my life and like a father, he loving watches over me. The troubles in this life are temporary but his love is eternal. I am growing my angel and I'll never forget that you were the start of all of it.  My blessing are more than I realize sometimes.


Love,
Your mama

Crashing once again

My Evangeline,


Once again I crashed and am feeling pretty low. I was finally starting to gain strength and be happy but my fear of losing never went away. It's hard not to fear loss when you've already lost everything. I lost everything that meant a great deal to me, especially you. The only one that I did not lose was the Lord. If it wasn't for him I would be lost completely. I am struggling with getting over the fact that loss will continue to come my way. I've had so much pain that the thought of more pain paralyzes me. What frustrates me is that I know that whatever comes my way the Lord will get me through it. I completely know this to be true from experience. But I am being a coward and not wanting to suffer anymore. The moment that something good comes into my life I begin to brace myself for the day that it leaves. And when it does, I hate myself for having expected it. You can't go through loss and pain unscathed. And I fear that I will come out of this with fear that I cannot overcome. I pray to God every day for strength, healing, comfort and peace. I need to be able to face life again without fear. Because the truth is tomorrow may never come and I spent today in dread of what may not happen. I realize that I am irrational and that what I've been through left some deep wounds and impacted my way of thinking. I am learning to take it one day at a time and understand what I need to work through. My experiences left damage that is surfacing. Maybe this is the Lords way of showing me what damage I have so that he can begin to help me heal. I am grateful that I am aware of this because I know that this is the first step to healing. Keep me in your prayers my baby. I thought I was over storm and it turns out I am still in the middle of it. But I see something that I did not see before, a light at the end of it.

My love for you I do not question and it motivates me to keep going.

Love,
Your mama

God deserves the praise

My Evangeline,

I had a reunion with my fellow grieving parents yesterday.   I hadn't seen the group in a while and I didn't realize how much I missed them.  Every single person said that I looked great.  Kim,  one of the facilitators, told me that I was her hero.  I told her that it's not my strength it's the Lords.  I wouldn't be standing if it weren't for him.  Losing you would have been the end of me if it wasn't for my faith.  Kim also has faith and knows what I am talking about.  She mentioned that there are women how are 10 plus years out and still have not recovered.  I can see that being the case without having the Lord.  I praise him because he never left my side and sent you to rescue me.  Then he helped me get up and keep going, and he still does.  There are days when I crash and my emotions spin out of control.  But the next day I get back up again and keep going and it's all because of him.  It weird, I know that he has always been with me but I couldn't feel it.  Now I do.  I feel his love and his watchful eye guiding me.  I know that you know who he is and are with him.  I hope that you are proud that I am starting to know who he is as well.

I love you my baby,
Your mama

Another milestone

My Evangeline,

I passed a couple of milestones this past weekend. It was one year ago that we had taken a trip to Cancun. You were just a tiny little baby with me on the beach and in the ocean. I was essentially alone but not completely. You were with me and I did my best to enjoy the vacation with you. I spent this weekend with friends and family. I had a great time but you were not far from my thoughts.

There are chapters in my life that I realize I need to close. I started to go through old clothes that no longer fit me and I don't wear. Some of those clothes I wore with you. It was very emotionally hard to gather those things and give them away. It's another step in my accepting that you are gone, that our time together ended. It doesn't mean that I will ever stop loving you, it's not possible. But it does mean that I need to close that chapter in my life and let you be at peace. Step by step I am healing and letting out the pain that I still have.  The pain that will probably never go away but I know it cannot be ignored. I know that I need to go through the pain in order to find peace.

I love you and miss you every day,

Your mama