My Evangeline,
I was thinking today about the way that God shows us love. Personally I have
trouble receiving it sometimes because it is not in physical form. I find
myself wishing that I could see him and get a hug at least. I feel that way
mostly when I need comfort. Well, during the darkest time of my life I needed
comfort often. I still do at times. I came to the realization that God does
appear and makes himself known through people. As humans we are made for
relationships and fellowship. That is how God created us; to have a
relationship with each other and him. I wasn't sure if he played a part in
our lives but I am completely sure now.
Last year when I made a big decision to
leave the firm that I loved, and the people, I did not realize what was in
store for me. It was hard to leave people that I grew to know and love for many
years. But I took that leap not knowing what was coming. I found out that I was
pregnant with you and although that was amazing, it was also the beginning of a
very traumatic time. Right around the time that I found out about you my good
friend Jenna came over from the firm to work where I did. I was happy to work
again with someone that was part of my EKSH family. Little did I know God had
his hand in it. I am not a person that can get comfortable easily. But with
Jenna I was able to share my joys about you and the fears I had. She was a firsthand
witness to all that happened with you. After I lost you I was numb to say the
least. I didn't return to work right away but even when I did, I couldn't look
at anyone. I tried to talk as little as possible as well. I didn't feel human
anymore. I felt dead inside. I had little motivation to keep going and live. It
was only by Gods grace that I was able to get up every day and keep going because
he knows I didn't want to anymore. Jenna was my saving grace at work. She
helped me by talking to me like normal person and getting me up and out. She
listened when I needed to vent and let me cry. Jenna was the only one that I
could talk to at work comfortably. She stayed close to me as much as she could.
Without knowing or thinking I leaned on her and she helped carry some of my
weight. I shut down and closed myself off to everyone except very close family
and friends. Jenna was one of those people.
Today I am stronger and am finding that I can stand on my own. Now that God
knows that I am ready I believe he blessed Jenna with an amazing new
opportunity and more. Today was her last day here at work. I am sad because I
will miss her. But I also feel blessed that I had the opportunity to have
someone in my daily life to help me keep going. I am blessed to have a friend
that cracks me up like no other. Even when it was hard, she found a way to make
me laugh.
Love comes from God and we see it shine in people. I am grateful to him and to my friend Jenna.
Love,
your mama
My Ailey,
I received your "Molly bear" yesterday. It is the cutest little bear with a minney mouse dress and made to weigh as much as you did. I am also participating in a walk for NILMDTS next weekend with family and friends in your memory. All of this makes me happy but also reminds me of what happened and that you are gone. I keep thinking about how I felt when I was told you weren't going to make it. I keep remembering the feeling of deep pain and the horrible realization that I could not do anything to stop it. Not one thing. It is awful and something I will carry with me. But I also remember the time that God allowed us to have with you. We were told we weren't going to get that time with you but we did. It was the best two hours of my life and I treasure it. As your anniversary approaches I am sure that I will be filled with joyful memories as well as painful ones. But I will rejoice in your memory and in God. And I will remember your purpose and be grateful for what I was given.
I love you baby,
your mama
My Evangeline,
Yesterday I came to an amazing realization that I am incredibly grateful for. My caring nature for others has been returned to me. After I lost you I lost the ability to feel happiness for others. I never wished anything bad but I couldn't share in their happiness. It was really scary for me because no matter what terrible times I had been through, I never felt that way before. I felt dead inside with no joy at all. I was scared and honestly I think I scared my family too! I prayed to God for him to restore that ability in me. He answered my prayer. I genuinely feel happiness and share in the joy of others again. The relief that I feel is unexplainable. I also realized that since love comes from God, I will never lose that ability. He will keep showing me the way and restore whatever this life breaks. I wish that I could share this love with you. Hopefully in some way I am.
Love,
your mama
My Evangeline,
Yesterday was a hard day. All of the emotions of my missing you surfaced and I couldn't contain them. I know that you are with God and I will see you again but it does not take away the fact that I miss you. I began to clean up a room that had things from the past in it. In there I found clothes that I had worn with you. I found the outfit that I wore the last day that we shared as a "normal day". We went out to eat with your Godmother and shopped. It was a great day. I couldn't stand to look at the outfit for too long. It hurt too much. It was like looking at something that you had worn. I don't know that I will ever be able to let go of that outfit. For now, I won't worry about it because I know God will lead me there when the time is right. I thought about the first time that I felt you kick. Those memories are so tender and sweet to me. I am grateful that I was able to experience that and able to know you. Yesterday was a bad day but I know that because of God sending you into my life I will have many more good days to look forward to. Even so, I will miss you until I see you again.
Love,
your mama
