Remembering the positive test

My Evangeline, 

This past Sunday marks a year since I found out I was pregnant with you.  I remember thinking that it was a possibility since my period was acting weird.  I was scared of taking the test because I didn't want to be let down if it was negative.  When the two lines appeared I couldn't believe it so I took another one.  Sure enough that one came back positive too. I've heard parents describe a since of fear when the find out.  Not me, I felt a rush of strength and I thought to myself "Ok, I am ready".   From that moment you became my priority.  I was ready and determined to take care of you.  My prayer was answered and our journey had begun. 
A week later we went to Cancun and you came along with me.  I was fully aware of you and began to picture my life with you.  I was happy to be on the beach with my little baby growing inside me.  I walked on the beach, swam in the ocean and ate good food with you on my mind.  I decided to use the beach and the ocean as a back drop for my announcement to your grandparents. I took a picture of the word "Bebe" written on the beach and showed them.  Needless to say they loved it.  The wait to meet you began for them and for your uncles and aunty.  Excitement and anticipation filled everyone's heart. You were loved right off the bat my angel.  I'll never forget those beautiful moments and feelings.
I look back at that time with sadness but also joy.  It's easy to get preoccupied with the grief and forget the joy.  That was one of the best moments of my life.  I am blessed to have experienced that and to be your mom.  I can't forget the love that you gave me and I won't.

I love you my baby,
Your mama

Around this time last year...

My Evangeline,

It was about this time last year that you were making your home in my belly.  I had no idea you were there but I had been praying for you for a very long time.  This weekend is very hard for me.  Thinking that just a year ago my time with you was about to begin.  I am remembering the joy that I felt with you.  No one has ever touched my heart the way that you have.  At that time I thought that my prayer would never be answered.  Little did I know that it was not only answered but an amazing soul was going to present itself to me.  It's only been a year but it feels like a life time ago.  This has by far been the longest year of my life.  These next six months will be hard but will also bring joy.  I am going to do my best to remember every moment that we shared and all the love that you gave me.

I miss you so so much

Love,
Your mama

Your memorial

My Evangeline,

I received notice today stating that the design for your memorial is ready. My heart dropped. It's strange, although I know that you are in heaven the thought of your memorial really hurts. When I was at the designer's office I felt a huge blow to my heart when he said your name. The thought that I won't have you in my future has sunk in but the fact that I lost you still very much hurts. Part of me does not want to finish the memorial because it signifies finishing my chapter with you. But I have to honor you and give you the memorial that you deserve. I will never love another human being more than you. You are a precious part of me that cannot be replaced. I am honored to be your mom. I will hold on to the tender love you gave me and with God's help use it as fuel to keep going.

I love you,
your mama